Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Another trip to Daejeon

(We went to Daejeon once again.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house and access to freshly brewed Joe is limited. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Two Chinese men decided that they wanted to barbecue sparrows for dinner. So they called a friend, and together they slaughtered more than fifty of the birds.

However, killing more than twenty wild animals at a time is illegal in China. The three men now face five years in prison for their crime. That seems harsh to me. The world has too many sparrows to begin with. Those filthy little creatures spread disease and destroy crops. Therefore, we desperately need men who are willing to eat them. Eating sparrows is a win-win situation for everybody.

We took a bus to Daejeon. Rice-Boy Larry wanted to go roller-skating. It was pissing rain outside. The first place we stopped was a Japanese noodle restaurant for lunch. I had a huge bowl of soup. The meal was excellent. I washed the vittles down with a couple bottles of Kirin beer.

After that, we went shopping. I bought two pairs of dress shoes for my new job. I also purchased a pair of plastic Birkenstock sandals. They're actually quite comfortable. The Birkenstocks were on sale for twenty-nine dollars. Meanwhile, the dress shoes came to nearly 200 bucks.

I said, "That's too expensive. We should check Shanghai for bargains."

Miz Perfect said, "You da stoopid man. You not have da shoe. What you wear to work on Tuesday?"

I acquiesced.

After that, we made our way through the raindrops to a large department store. The elevator took us to the fourth floor. It turned out to be a skating rink.

Rice-Boy Larry skated for over two hours. At first, he was horrible. But he started to get the hang of things in about fifteen minutes. He went around and around and around in circles while listening to K-pop blaring over the loudspeakers. Good for him.

We met some old friends later in the evening. One of them asked if I had any parting words of wisdom.

I said, "God's a mystery. That's all I know."

We finally arrived home at 10:30 p.m. I prayed and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Costco in Korea is closed on Sundays...sometimes

(Costco is often forced to close its doors on Sundays.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, so I don't always have access to freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese powers-that-be are now allowing their citizens to have more than one baby. Consequently, lots of older ladies are showing up pregnant at the local hospitals. This is causing problems because age and birth-defects often go hand-in-hand.

Miz Perfect asked me to go with her to Costco. I agreed. I didn't have much choice. I try to keep the peace. The Queen Elephant came with us. She drove us to downtown Daejeon in her brand new Audi. The volume of the navigation system gave me a splitting headache. Somehow, my mother-in-law screwed things up by playing with the buttons.

My wife forgot it was Sunday. Costco was closed. Major retail chains are forced to shut  their doors two Sundays per month. The Korean government passed this law so that smaller supermarkets could make an extra buck or two.

The Queen Elephant offered to pay for lunch. We went to an all you can eat barbecue joint. I ate lots of pork. In Korea, the customers cook their own meat right at the table. It's actually a lot of fun.

(Eating in Korea is fun.)

Miz Perfect said, "Do you want da soju?"

"No. I'll just have water."

It was too early for soju. I don't like to drink until after six p.m.

The meal was delicious. I stuffed my face like a filthy pagan. The juice from the meat ran down my fat chin and stained my clothing.

My wife gave me the stink-eye. "You da pig."

I didn't return her insult. Instead, I just smiled like a retarded infant. I'm wonderful that way.

We finished our meal and drove to a butcher shop. Miz Perfect bought a ton of beef for me and Rice-Boy Larry. We didn't eat it yesterday. We were too busy watching Vikings, and neither of us was hungry. So I'll prepare it tonight when I get home.

The Queen Elephant's house is pretty much empty for the next day or so. Therefore, I have the run of the place. Perhaps I'll get drunk as I feast. That sounds like a good plan.

Anyway, God bless everybody. I'll talk to you later.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Buying an apartment in Sejong City

(Sejong City is very beautiful at night.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, but we now have a coffee maker. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The UFC is coming to Shanghai. The featured bout on the card is Anderson Silva versus Kelvin Gastelum. I'm a huge fan of mixed martial arts. All that blood turns me on. However, I will be forced to view the event from the comfort of my living room. The cost for tickets is outrageous. I simply can't swing it.

I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. He's now a huge fan of the show. We are currently on the episode where Ragnar is fighting for control of Mercia.

The phone rang. It was Miz Perfect.

"Hully! Put on da crothes. I meet you soon."

I said, "Where are the clothes?"

She said, "Neva mind. I come up."

My wife came storming into the house five minutes later.

"We must hully. Dey waiting."

"Who's waiting?"

"My mudda and aunt. We go Sejong City to rook at apartment."

I got dressed. Then we climbed into The Queen Elephant's Audi and sped away. The trip took about forty minutes. It was very uncomfortable. My mother-in-law must have screwed around with the volume in her navigation system, and the voice was so loud that it literally gave me a headache.

The apartment turned out to be quite impressive. Plus Sejong looks absolutely marvelous--especially at night. The city is still an infant. It's supposed to turn into the new Seoul. I'm a bit skeptical. But, with that said, Seoul is way too close to North Korea, so the government has to do something.

We won't be living in our new digs. The place is strictly for investment purposes. We'll rent it and use the money to pay the monthly nut. After ten years, we'll sell it and hope to Christ that we don't go broke.

I got home at 11 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Off the Wagon

(A Chinese man carved a pig's heart on the subway.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a glass of Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, so I have no access to freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A man in Shanghai entered the subway with a pig's heart in his hand. He sliced the organ into little pieces during the ride. However, judging by the picture, his fellow Chinese citizens didn't seem too concerned by his peculiar behavior. I wonder if this type of scene is commonplace in the PRC.

My father-in-law took me and Rice-Boy Larry to a local restaurant for lunch. We had barbecue pork. I didn't want to go. The eatery is owned by a Roman Catholic family, and there's a big crucifix located on the counter. The Roman faith makes me queasy. I find it heretical. For instance, every Sunday millions of priest across the globe sacrifice Jesus Christ once again upon their unholy altars. However, as it says in Hebrews, altars, the priestly class, and further sacrifices are no longer necessary. Jesus's atoning death did the trick, so the rest is all Hollywood. But what do I know?

Miz Perfect is still out of town. Therefore, I went to a local internet cafe with Rice-Boy Larry. He enjoys playing Overwatch just like his older brother, Ken the Atheist.

He said, "Wow, talk about beautiful."

Truer words have never been spoken. This particular establishment is very clean, and you get to use these wonderful large-screen computers for less than a dollar an hour. Plus you can order gourmet coffee and have it brought directly to your chair by an attractive waitress. How's that for class?

I wrote my stupid blog. Then I watched several episodes of Vikings. I'm currently on season 2. Rollo is trying to convince Yarl Borg to go raiding with Ragnar during the summer. Ragnar wants to trick Yarl Borg with false promises of friendship in order to give his enemy a bloody eagle.

American television is wonderful. It's actually too good. I read a hell of a lot less than I used to because of all the quality drama currently on the boob-tube.

Larry and I went to a local chicken restaurant for dinner. We both enjoyed fried bird at a reasonable price. I fell off the wagon. I washed the poultry down with two bottles of soju and a huge mug of beer. I'm not proud. Sometimes, I'm no better than the average pagan. But what's a boy to do?

We got home at 10 p.m. and took showers. Then I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Pastor John MacArthur is very conservative

(Pastor John MacArthur believes that drunkenness is a terrible sin.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A taxi driver from Shanghai was sent to jail for spreading rumors. He was sentenced to five days behind bars. He said that Chinese diplomats in India were being recalled by the powers-that-be due to tensions between the two nations. A blogger picked up his story and pasted it on his website. Free speech isn't a priority in the PRC.

A man from a moving company visited our apartment. He brought a ton of cardboard boxes with him, and filled them with our clothes and household items. I felt sorry for the guy. He had to drag ten heavy cartons down four flights of stairs. Our building doesn't have an elevator. We're bringing that crap to Shanghai. My wife never throws anything away. She's a hoarder.

Miz Perfect had to drive all over town to prepare for the move. She took Rice-Boy Larry with her. I was left to my own devices. I watched several YouTube videos by a pastor named John MacArthur. I found his sermons compelling. He told me that I'm probably going to hell. I've been living the life of a drunkard--which is quite sinful. According to Paul, drunkards will never inherent the Kingdom of Heaven. Consequently, I've decided to climb on the wagon. It's time to give sober living a try. After all, the last place I want to end up is hell. Who needs that stress?

Miz Perfect came home at 5 p.m. I drove the Santa Fe to Daejeon. That's where my mother-in-law lives. We stopped by a roadside cafe to eat. I had Dunkin Donuts while my wife enjoyed a big bowl of ass soup. The smell was enough to gag a maggot. I hope that ass soup is banned in China.

I call my mother-in-law The Queen Elephant. She's in charge of everything. The entire family dances to her tune. We got to her place at 10 p.m.

Miz Perfect put a hundred dollars in my wallet.

She said, "Use dis money to buy da food for Rarry. My sista and I do many thing tomollow. You will be arone until Fliday night."

I said, "Is a hundred enough?"

She became angry. "Who spend a hundled dolla in one day? Are you clazy?"

I said, "Korea's expensive. I will have to cook at home."

She said, "You shut da mouth."

I went into a separate room and began watching season two of Vikings. The Queen Elephant came in later and slipped me another fifty bucks. Good for her. After that, I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The People Versus O.J. Simpson

(O.J. Simpson got away with murder.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A 17-year-old kid from Shanghai died in a river. He was learning to swim but suddenly dropped under the water. His parents were watching him from a nearby boat. They diligently searched for his body but to no avail. They finally had to call the powers-that-be who managed to find the boy's corpse.

I nearly drowned in a lake when I was 14-years-old. None of my friends could save me. I was in such a panic that I kept dragging them down into the deepness. I was eventually saved by an Eagle Scout. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be writing this piece of crap blog. God bless the Boy Scouts. I owe the organization my life.

I had bacon and rice cake for breakfast. The meal was delicious. I washed the vittles down with several glasses of bottled water. Water is the only liquid on the planet which truly quenches my thirst. Therefore, I drink more H2O than the average shrub.

I called Ken the Atheist using FaceTime.

I said, "How are things in America?"

He said, "Good."

I said, "Do you have anything new to tell me."

He said, "No."

I said, "OK. I'll call you tomorrow."

I speak with my eldest son every day. We usually never have a damn thing to say to each other. But that's all right. It's just great to hear his voice. He plans on becoming a registered nurse when he gets older.

I watched a show called American Crime Story. It's focus is the trial of O.J. Simpson. Back in the day, Mr. Simpson was accused of slaughtering his estranged wife Nicole Simpson and a waiter named Ron Goldman.

I like the program because it allows me to marvel at how stupid well-educated people can be. For instance, the lead attorney Marcia Clark and the district attorney Mr. Garcetti actually thought they could get a guilty verdict if they moved the trial to downtown Los Angeles. They sealed their fate the moment they made that moronic decision. Oh well. It's water under the bridge.

I viewed several episodes of Vikings. Ragnar is angry because his wife had a miscarriage. In order to improve his luck, he tries to convince Athelstan to sacrifice himself to Odin. The priest wisely refuses and another poor sucker is sacrificed in his place.

I prayed to God. Then I slept on the living room floor next to the air conditioner. I felt like I was in heaven.

Monday, August 7, 2017

The Nazi salute is illegal in Germany

(Two Chinese men were arrested for giving the Nazi salute in Berlin.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Two Chinese men traveled to Berlin for a vacation. They gave the Nazi salute in public just for fun. They were promptly arrested by the powers-that-be and carted off to jail. The men were released after paying 500 Euros each to the German authorities. Free speech doesn't exist in Europe. But it doesn't exist in China, either. So why quibble?

We left our hotel and drove to McDonald's. I had a Big Mac and two large orders of French fries. I also consumed two apple pies. The meal was delicious. I'm a huge fan of junk food. All that starch sends me straight to the moon. I washed the vittles down with a huge glass of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm a broke dead dick, so I usually drink the generic stuff. But sometimes a man has to splurge.

Miz Perfect said, "Ret's go to Mokpo."

I said, "Why the heck should we drive to Mokpo? That's a million miles from our humble abode."

She said, "It famous for da octopus."

I said, "I'm a big fat man from America. What the fruit am I gonna to with an octopus?"

"Octopus dericious. Everlybody think dericious. You ruv da octopus."

"I don't love octopus. I only eat it when I'm fall-down drunk."

I walked up the stairs to urinate. Then I bought another apple pie for the road. 

When I move to China, I shall live an Old Testament lifestyle. I'll go to work daily while my wife remains at the tent and cooks the meat. And that's cool with me. I'm sick and tired of visiting places. Sight-seeing wears me out.

We got home at 7 p.m. and walked to the beach. We stopped at a second-story restaurant for dinner. I had sweet and sour pork, and spicy rice cake. The meal was fantastic. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju.

Rice-Boy Larry asked my opinion about the rights of the LGBT community.

I said, "You're nine-years-old. Where do you get this crap?"

"The internet."

I said, "I don't give a flying fruit one way or the other. It's their life. They're free to do as they please."

"Donald Trump hates them"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Well, good for him."

We got back to the apartment at 10 p.m. I took a shower and prayed to God. Then I went to bed. I slept like the dead.