Saturday, September 16, 2017

Saturday at home

(I haven't done a damn thing all day.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. Then I surfed the internet while enjoying a bathroom break. A guy from Texas went crazy after his wife filed for divorce. He took a gun, went to her house, and slaughtered everybody at a dinner party she was hosting. Nine people died during the attack.

I called Ken the Atheist using FaceTime.

I said, "How's life?"

He said, "Not much is happening."

I said, "How are classes going?"

He said, "They're OK. I'm getting an A in algebra II."

I said, "Wow, that's wonderful."

I walked Rice-Boy Larry to school. We live very close to a huge factory. There are Chinese people dressed in pink jackets who walk up and down the street at all hours of the day and night. They're either coming from or going to work. The factory never closes. It chugs away twenty-four hours a day.

Larry said, "It's so hot."

Weather in Shanghai is brutal. By the time the boy got to school, he was covered from head to foot in a glaze of sweat. His skin was so shiny and brown that he resembled a Christmas turkey.

I said, "You look delicious."

He said, "You're stupid."

Miz Perfect made beef and French fries for dinner. The meal was wonderful--especially the fries. They were hot and crisp and salty. I washed the vittles down with a big bottle of Suntory beer. Beer is very cheap in China. A guy can become an alcoholic at a reasonable price.

Miz Perfect said, "I find Rarry a tutor. She come next week."

I said, "OK."

"She charge 150 rmb for da hour. It expensive."

"Don't tell me. I don't want to know."

I prayed to God at eleven p.m. After that, I went to bed. I didn't dream. I slept for ten hours. I must have been beat. I've been suffering from terrible allergies lately.

It's now Saturday afternoon. I haven't done a damn thing all day. I'm just sitting on my sofa writing this stupid blog. I've decided to post ten entries per month. That seems like a good round number.

God bless.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

I went downtown

(I now eat pigeon.)

Yesterday, I took the metro to People's Square. I had to ride the busiest line to get there. Line 2 is absolute murder. The tube is stuffed to the gills with human flesh. There's absolutely no room to move. Line 1 is no bed of roses, either. But I have to say this. The Shanghai subway system is cheap and easy to master. It will get you anyplace you want to go.

We walked around the city admiring the beautiful modern buildings. But we were quite famished, so we found a restaurant that had a picture-book menu. Neither my wife nor I can speak a word of Chinese. Therefore, it was convenient to point at the stuff we wanted when the waiter took our orders.

I decided to go ethnic. I had fried suckling pigeon. I also stuffed my fat face with noodles and rice. I washed the vittles down with two big bottles of Suntory beer.

Miz Perfect said, "You da disgusting man. Who eat da pigeon? You gloss."

I said, "I'm not gross. I just want to see how the other half lives."

To be honest, pigeon doesn't have a lot of meat. However, the bird is quite tasty. I recommend it for those of you who want to live on the culinary edge. It's something you can tell your grandchildren--if you don't die of food poisoning first.

We had a hard time hailing a taxi home. All the locals use an app called DiDi to summon a ride. I shall have to master the art, or I'll be spending a lot of time out in the elements. I also have to master Alipay and WeChat.

We finally got back to our humble abode at 11 p.m. I drank several cans of beer. After that, I prayed to God and climbed into bed at one a.m. I slept like the dead.

I woke up this morning at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read Lord of the Flies while taking a bathroom break. I'm not a huge fan of the novel. But it was one the bookshelf, so why not?

Today, I'm going to the market for a new pair of shoes. My other shoes are too tight and making my life miserable.

Anyway, I've got nothing else to tell you.

God bless.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

I'm now in China

(Shanghai is beautiful.)

Yesterday, the cable guy came to my apartment to install Wi-Fi. It took him nearly an hour to get the job done. When he finally finished, the internet worked for my son's computer. However, I couldn't get access. He started talking to me in Chinese. After that, he told me in sign language to sign the contract. Then he walked out the door, leaving your faithful narrator high and dry.

I'm not really a computer guy. And for about 20 minutes, I paced up and down screaming the F-word.

I said, "Fruit! Fruit! That motherfruiter really fruiting reamed me."

Suddenly, an idea popped into my tiny little brain. I restored my Samsung back to its original factory specs. The process took nearly three hours. But it did the job. I now have blazing fast internet speed. Plus my VPN is working like a charm.

We rode the metro to East Nanjing Road in order to visit The Bund. We looked over the river and marveled at the Shanghai skyline. This city is truly beautiful. I'm feeling a great deal of love for the town. However, I've only been here for seven days. Things may change. Perhaps I'll grow bitter.

I took my family to a restaurant. We had short ribs, kung-pow chicken, shrimp fried rice, and boiled clams. The food was absolutely delicious. I washed the vittles down with two big bottles of Harbin beer. The bill came to 28 dollars. You can't beat that.

We got into a taxi. The driver got lost on the way home.

Miz Perfect said, "He da clook. He praying with us."

I said, "He's not playing with us. This is a huge city. He's probably just lost."

She said, "He da clook. Don't be stoopid."

It took us roughly an hour to get home. But the cab fare only came twenty dollars.  Prices in Shanghai are pretty cheap.

I swilled Suntory beer in the comfort of my home while watching Game of Thrones. The Night King kills a dragon with a lance made of ice. The dragon's death is quite impressive. It bleeds out in mid-air. Game of Thrones rocks.

I prayed to the Lord and went to bed. I didn't dream. I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I surfed the net while enjoying a bathroom break. Jon Bones Jones got popped yet again for steroids. He's facing another long suspension. That guy never learns.

Today, we're going to Walmart to buy groceries. We are planning on taking a taxi. I'll let you know how it went.

God bless.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

More soju redux

(I enjoyed soju with my barbecue.)

Yesterday, my sister-in-law took us out for dinner. It was our farewell meal. We had Korean barbecue. It included all the fixings such as sauteed onions, Chinese mushrooms, and kimchi. I stuffed my fat face with pork until I thought I would explode. The meat tasted fantastic. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju and a big glass of beer. A good time was had by all.

We returned home at 9 p.m. I took a shower and washed the grime from my filthy body. The Queen Elephant doesn't believe in air-conditioning. Plus electricity is simply too expensive here on the peninsula. During the summer, I usually just sit in front of a fan and sweat like a pig.

I watched the rest of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry.

He said, "Those pagans are much better fighters than the English. I like their style."

"I've got bad news for you."

"What?"

"The English end up kicking their butts back to Scandinavia. Historically speaking."

"Really?"

"Really."

And this is true. King Alfred opened up a can of whoop-ass on Ivar the Boneless back in the 9th century. With that said, I'd never make it as a Viking or a Saxon. I've got the drinking part down, but I fight like a girl. Oh well. What's a boy to do?

I paid homage to The Christ God. I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees. Then I went to sleep and had a crazy dream. I found myself relaxing in Pastor John MacArthur's bed and watching porno on a large screen television. Suddenly, my former boss barged into the apartment.

He smiled at me nervously. "Mr. Buffalo, you can't be here until April."

I said, "Don't worry. I'm only testing the place out."

I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Antifa and other leftists shut down a free-speech rally in Boston. They're very proud of themselves, and the media is on their side. The First Amendment seems to be under fire in my nation.

I ate bacon and pancakes for dinner. Rice-Boy Larry had fish, rice, and ass-soup. That boy is a real Asian. I took him for a haircut before walking to the internet cafe. We leave for China tomorrow. I probably won't be able to blog for the next few days. I have to get the internet set up in my apartment.

God bless.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Live shrimp cooked on rock salt

(Shrimp are delicious in spite of the cruelty.)

Yesterday, I took my family to a seafood restaurant. We enjoyed live shrimp cooked on a bed of rock salt. The poor little suckers squirmed to and fro in the frying pan before turning pink and finally dying. The meal was delicious. I'm a big fan of shellfish. They bring me joy. I washed the vittles down with several large glasses of water. Sometimes, H2O is the only liquid which truly quenches my thirst. A good time was had by all.

We walked back to The Queen Elephant's house. I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. Vikings is one of my favorite shows of all time. I'm currently at the part where Ragnar is put to death by King Aella. He's dumped into a pit filled with venomous vipers. It's not a pleasant way to go.

I wanted to call Ken the Atheist using FaceTime. But The Queen Elephant doesn't have WiFi in her apartment. It's like living in the Stone Age. I said my prayers and went to bed at two a.m. I dreamt about my dead uncle. He had a perm and a curly beard. The poor man looked ridiculous. I almost cried.

I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I turned on CNN International. Don Lemon shared some terrible news with the entire globe. Donald Trump and Steve Bannon have parted ways. I'm no longer a supporter of Trump. In fact, I don't support anybody. Bannon was the guy pushing Donald's populist agenda. Without Steve, my president is just another Marco Rubio with better jokes. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

I got into a fight with Miz Perfect. Her Grave's Disease makes her hormonal from time to time.

I said, "Who were you talking to on the telephone?"

She said, "It not you bidness."

I said, "OK. I was just asking."

She said, "It was my sista. She take us to dinna."

I was pleasantly surprised. "Where are we going?"

She said, "How da fluit should I know? Am I my sista? You da stoopid man."

I walked into the other room. I can't be bothered with squabbles. I'm just too fruiting old for the headaches often associated with marriage. I cherish peace.

I walked with Larry to the internet cafe. We stopped at the 7-11 to buy drinks. We purchased two cans of Pepsi. Larry is currently playing some video game while I write this stupid blog. We'll probably return home at 6 p.m. to get our free meal. I'll be in China in a couple of days--God willing.

Friday, August 18, 2017

More soju

(I drank more soju last night.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. One of the biggest stories in China is Trump and the riot in Virginia. A young woman was killed when an angry Nazi ran her over with a car. 

Trump said that both sides--the alt-right and the loony left--were actively seeking violence on that tragic day. And now he's being crucified by the national media for his unwise choice of words. I must be a complete idiot, but I agree with the president. Those Antifa thugs look every bit as scary as the white supremacists. Both sides were beating the living crap out of each other. I'm just surprised that more people weren't killed in all the chaos.

And where were the cops? They were given orders to stand-down by the powers-that-be. Sometimes, the police need to keep control of a situation by kicking ass and taking names. They're the metaphorical sword which maintains law and order in society. Standing back and watching Rome burn simply isn't an option.

I spoke to Ken the Atheist using FaceTime. "Are you doing OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Do you have anything to tell me?"

"Not really."

"How's school?"

"School's OK."

"Do you have a favorite class?"

"Lunch."

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"OK."

Ken the Atheist is a great son, even though he's going to hell. I shouldn't make those kind of jokes. I'm sure he'll find God when he gets older. He's a good student, and he doesn't smoke or drink. Ken wants to be a registered nurse in the future. Good for him.

Miz Perfect drove to Daejeon with her mother. She had to cancel our phones. We broke the contracts early, so we were forced to pay over a thousand dollars in penalties and bills. The Queen Elephant gave us the money to cover the nut. It was her farewell present.

Rice-Boy Larry and I went to the internet cafe. He loves to play computer games. He can do it for hours and hours and hours. Meanwhile, I wrote my stupid blog and listened to more sermons by Pastor John MacArthur. I find his style of speech spellbinding. He's very macho.

Miz Perfect met us at the PC Room at 6:30 p.m. The Queen Elephant then took us to a restaurant in her snazzy Audi sports car. We had barbecue pork. The meal was delicious. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju. I became quite drunk. A good time was had by all.

I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. Rollo defeats Ragnar once again, making him the hero of Paris. Vikings is one of my favorite shows of all-time. I absolutely love it.

I prayed to God and laid down in bed. I slept like the dead.   

Thursday, August 17, 2017

My last soju

(I'm sick and tired of soju.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, and we ran out of coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A criminal gang from Beijing was busted for stealing neighborhood dogs. These thugs butchered the animals and sold the meat to local restaurants at cheap prices. They could spend many years in prison for their crimes. I'm not a big animal guy. A few less dogs in the world is just what the doctor ordered. But what do I know?

Miz Perfect went to Daejeon to visit her sister. She gave me a few bucks to bring Rice-Boy Larry to the internet cafe. He played games for hours and hours. Meanwhile, I watched several YouTube videos featuring the sermons of Pastor John MacArthur. His style of public speaking is spellbinding. I could listen to him talk all day.

Miz Perfect called. "I not come home till rate. Bling Rarry to Homeprus for da pitsa."

I said, "OK."

Homeplus is right across the street from this particular establishment. We walked to the basement of the department store and ordered a medium pepperoni pizza with no cheese. I never eat the stuff. It makes me ill.

The woman behind the counter kept touching Larry's cheeks. She was fascinated by the fact that a little white man could speak her language like a native. She couldn't get enough of him.

The meal was quite delicious, and it only came to ten dollars. I washed the vittles down with a big plastic bottle of Sprite. Then we returned to the PC room. I wrote my stupid blog while Rice-Boy played more games. He had a great time.

We finally made our way home at nine p.m. I was in the mood for a beer. But beer in Korea is very expensive. A domestic tall-boy costs over two dollars at most stores. The price is simply ridiculous. So I purchased soju instead. 

I'm simply tired of soju. I'm never going to drink the stuff again. I looked up the price of beer in China, and it's cheaper than America. I plan to spend the rest of my days guzzling Tsingtao and Harbin in the comfort of my apartment. Praise the Lord!


(I'm going to be a beer-head once again.)

I said my prayers and went to bed at one a.m. I slept like the dead.