Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Another trip to Daejeon

(We went to Daejeon once again.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house and access to freshly brewed Joe is limited. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Two Chinese men decided that they wanted to barbecue sparrows for dinner. So they called a friend, and together they slaughtered more than fifty of the birds.

However, killing more than twenty wild animals at a time is illegal in China. The three men now face five years in prison for their crime. That seems harsh to me. The world has too many sparrows to begin with. Those filthy little creatures spread disease and destroy crops. Therefore, we desperately need men who are willing to eat them. Eating sparrows is a win-win situation for everybody.

We took a bus to Daejeon. Rice-Boy Larry wanted to go roller-skating. It was pissing rain outside. The first place we stopped was a Japanese noodle restaurant for lunch. I had a huge bowl of soup. The meal was excellent. I washed the vittles down with a couple bottles of Kirin beer.

After that, we went shopping. I bought two pairs of dress shoes for my new job. I also purchased a pair of plastic Birkenstock sandals. They're actually quite comfortable. The Birkenstocks were on sale for twenty-nine dollars. Meanwhile, the dress shoes came to nearly 200 bucks.

I said, "That's too expensive. We should check Shanghai for bargains."

Miz Perfect said, "You da stoopid man. You not have da shoe. What you wear to work on Tuesday?"

I acquiesced.

After that, we made our way through the raindrops to a large department store. The elevator took us to the fourth floor. It turned out to be a skating rink.

Rice-Boy Larry skated for over two hours. At first, he was horrible. But he started to get the hang of things in about fifteen minutes. He went around and around and around in circles while listening to K-pop blaring over the loudspeakers. Good for him.

We met some old friends later in the evening. One of them asked if I had any parting words of wisdom.

I said, "God's a mystery. That's all I know."

We finally arrived home at 10:30 p.m. I prayed and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Costco in Korea is closed on Sundays...sometimes

(Costco is often forced to close its doors on Sundays.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, so I don't always have access to freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese powers-that-be are now allowing their citizens to have more than one baby. Consequently, lots of older ladies are showing up pregnant at the local hospitals. This is causing problems because age and birth-defects often go hand-in-hand.

Miz Perfect asked me to go with her to Costco. I agreed. I didn't have much choice. I try to keep the peace. The Queen Elephant came with us. She drove us to downtown Daejeon in her brand new Audi. The volume of the navigation system gave me a splitting headache. Somehow, my mother-in-law screwed things up by playing with the buttons.

My wife forgot it was Sunday. Costco was closed. Major retail chains are forced to shut  their doors two Sundays per month. The Korean government passed this law so that smaller supermarkets could make an extra buck or two.

The Queen Elephant offered to pay for lunch. We went to an all you can eat barbecue joint. I ate lots of pork. In Korea, the customers cook their own meat right at the table. It's actually a lot of fun.

(Eating in Korea is fun.)

Miz Perfect said, "Do you want da soju?"

"No. I'll just have water."

It was too early for soju. I don't like to drink until after six p.m.

The meal was delicious. I stuffed my face like a filthy pagan. The juice from the meat ran down my fat chin and stained my clothing.

My wife gave me the stink-eye. "You da pig."

I didn't return her insult. Instead, I just smiled like a retarded infant. I'm wonderful that way.

We finished our meal and drove to a butcher shop. Miz Perfect bought a ton of beef for me and Rice-Boy Larry. We didn't eat it yesterday. We were too busy watching Vikings, and neither of us was hungry. So I'll prepare it tonight when I get home.

The Queen Elephant's house is pretty much empty for the next day or so. Therefore, I have the run of the place. Perhaps I'll get drunk as I feast. That sounds like a good plan.

Anyway, God bless everybody. I'll talk to you later.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Buying an apartment in Sejong City

(Sejong City is very beautiful at night.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, but we now have a coffee maker. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The UFC is coming to Shanghai. The featured bout on the card is Anderson Silva versus Kelvin Gastelum. I'm a huge fan of mixed martial arts. All that blood turns me on. However, I will be forced to view the event from the comfort of my living room. The cost for tickets is outrageous. I simply can't swing it.

I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. He's now a huge fan of the show. We are currently on the episode where Ragnar is fighting for control of Mercia.

The phone rang. It was Miz Perfect.

"Hully! Put on da crothes. I meet you soon."

I said, "Where are the clothes?"

She said, "Neva mind. I come up."

My wife came storming into the house five minutes later.

"We must hully. Dey waiting."

"Who's waiting?"

"My mudda and aunt. We go Sejong City to rook at apartment."

I got dressed. Then we climbed into The Queen Elephant's Audi and sped away. The trip took about forty minutes. It was very uncomfortable. My mother-in-law must have screwed around with the volume in her navigation system, and the voice was so loud that it literally gave me a headache.

The apartment turned out to be quite impressive. Plus Sejong looks absolutely marvelous--especially at night. The city is still an infant. It's supposed to turn into the new Seoul. I'm a bit skeptical. But, with that said, Seoul is way too close to North Korea, so the government has to do something.

We won't be living in our new digs. The place is strictly for investment purposes. We'll rent it and use the money to pay the monthly nut. After ten years, we'll sell it and hope to Christ that we don't go broke.

I got home at 11 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Off the Wagon

(A Chinese man carved a pig's heart on the subway.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a glass of Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, so I have no access to freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A man in Shanghai entered the subway with a pig's heart in his hand. He sliced the organ into little pieces during the ride. However, judging by the picture, his fellow Chinese citizens didn't seem too concerned by his peculiar behavior. I wonder if this type of scene is commonplace in the PRC.

My father-in-law took me and Rice-Boy Larry to a local restaurant for lunch. We had barbecue pork. I didn't want to go. The eatery is owned by a Roman Catholic family, and there's a big crucifix located on the counter. The Roman faith makes me queasy. I find it heretical. For instance, every Sunday millions of priest across the globe sacrifice Jesus Christ once again upon their unholy altars. However, as it says in Hebrews, altars, the priestly class, and further sacrifices are no longer necessary. Jesus's atoning death did the trick, so the rest is all Hollywood. But what do I know?

Miz Perfect is still out of town. Therefore, I went to a local internet cafe with Rice-Boy Larry. He enjoys playing Overwatch just like his older brother, Ken the Atheist.

He said, "Wow, talk about beautiful."

Truer words have never been spoken. This particular establishment is very clean, and you get to use these wonderful large-screen computers for less than a dollar an hour. Plus you can order gourmet coffee and have it brought directly to your chair by an attractive waitress. How's that for class?

I wrote my stupid blog. Then I watched several episodes of Vikings. I'm currently on season 2. Rollo is trying to convince Yarl Borg to go raiding with Ragnar during the summer. Ragnar wants to trick Yarl Borg with false promises of friendship in order to give his enemy a bloody eagle.

American television is wonderful. It's actually too good. I read a hell of a lot less than I used to because of all the quality drama currently on the boob-tube.

Larry and I went to a local chicken restaurant for dinner. We both enjoyed fried bird at a reasonable price. I fell off the wagon. I washed the poultry down with two bottles of soju and a huge mug of beer. I'm not proud. Sometimes, I'm no better than the average pagan. But what's a boy to do?

We got home at 10 p.m. and took showers. Then I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Pastor John MacArthur is very conservative

(Pastor John MacArthur believes that drunkenness is a terrible sin.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A taxi driver from Shanghai was sent to jail for spreading rumors. He was sentenced to five days behind bars. He said that Chinese diplomats in India were being recalled by the powers-that-be due to tensions between the two nations. A blogger picked up his story and pasted it on his website. Free speech isn't a priority in the PRC.

A man from a moving company visited our apartment. He brought a ton of cardboard boxes with him, and filled them with our clothes and household items. I felt sorry for the guy. He had to drag ten heavy cartons down four flights of stairs. Our building doesn't have an elevator. We're bringing that crap to Shanghai. My wife never throws anything away. She's a hoarder.

Miz Perfect had to drive all over town to prepare for the move. She took Rice-Boy Larry with her. I was left to my own devices. I watched several YouTube videos by a pastor named John MacArthur. I found his sermons compelling. He told me that I'm probably going to hell. I've been living the life of a drunkard--which is quite sinful. According to Paul, drunkards will never inherent the Kingdom of Heaven. Consequently, I've decided to climb on the wagon. It's time to give sober living a try. After all, the last place I want to end up is hell. Who needs that stress?

Miz Perfect came home at 5 p.m. I drove the Santa Fe to Daejeon. That's where my mother-in-law lives. We stopped by a roadside cafe to eat. I had Dunkin Donuts while my wife enjoyed a big bowl of ass soup. The smell was enough to gag a maggot. I hope that ass soup is banned in China.

I call my mother-in-law The Queen Elephant. She's in charge of everything. The entire family dances to her tune. We got to her place at 10 p.m.

Miz Perfect put a hundred dollars in my wallet.

She said, "Use dis money to buy da food for Rarry. My sista and I do many thing tomollow. You will be arone until Fliday night."

I said, "Is a hundred enough?"

She became angry. "Who spend a hundled dolla in one day? Are you clazy?"

I said, "Korea's expensive. I will have to cook at home."

She said, "You shut da mouth."

I went into a separate room and began watching season two of Vikings. The Queen Elephant came in later and slipped me another fifty bucks. Good for her. After that, I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The People Versus O.J. Simpson

(O.J. Simpson got away with murder.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A 17-year-old kid from Shanghai died in a river. He was learning to swim but suddenly dropped under the water. His parents were watching him from a nearby boat. They diligently searched for his body but to no avail. They finally had to call the powers-that-be who managed to find the boy's corpse.

I nearly drowned in a lake when I was 14-years-old. None of my friends could save me. I was in such a panic that I kept dragging them down into the deepness. I was eventually saved by an Eagle Scout. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be writing this piece of crap blog. God bless the Boy Scouts. I owe the organization my life.

I had bacon and rice cake for breakfast. The meal was delicious. I washed the vittles down with several glasses of bottled water. Water is the only liquid on the planet which truly quenches my thirst. Therefore, I drink more H2O than the average shrub.

I called Ken the Atheist using FaceTime.

I said, "How are things in America?"

He said, "Good."

I said, "Do you have anything new to tell me."

He said, "No."

I said, "OK. I'll call you tomorrow."

I speak with my eldest son every day. We usually never have a damn thing to say to each other. But that's all right. It's just great to hear his voice. He plans on becoming a registered nurse when he gets older.

I watched a show called American Crime Story. It's focus is the trial of O.J. Simpson. Back in the day, Mr. Simpson was accused of slaughtering his estranged wife Nicole Simpson and a waiter named Ron Goldman.

I like the program because it allows me to marvel at how stupid well-educated people can be. For instance, the lead attorney Marcia Clark and the district attorney Mr. Garcetti actually thought they could get a guilty verdict if they moved the trial to downtown Los Angeles. They sealed their fate the moment they made that moronic decision. Oh well. It's water under the bridge.

I viewed several episodes of Vikings. Ragnar is angry because his wife had a miscarriage. In order to improve his luck, he tries to convince Athelstan to sacrifice himself to Odin. The priest wisely refuses and another poor sucker is sacrificed in his place.

I prayed to God. Then I slept on the living room floor next to the air conditioner. I felt like I was in heaven.

Monday, August 7, 2017

The Nazi salute is illegal in Germany

(Two Chinese men were arrested for giving the Nazi salute in Berlin.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Two Chinese men traveled to Berlin for a vacation. They gave the Nazi salute in public just for fun. They were promptly arrested by the powers-that-be and carted off to jail. The men were released after paying 500 Euros each to the German authorities. Free speech doesn't exist in Europe. But it doesn't exist in China, either. So why quibble?

We left our hotel and drove to McDonald's. I had a Big Mac and two large orders of French fries. I also consumed two apple pies. The meal was delicious. I'm a huge fan of junk food. All that starch sends me straight to the moon. I washed the vittles down with a huge glass of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm a broke dead dick, so I usually drink the generic stuff. But sometimes a man has to splurge.

Miz Perfect said, "Ret's go to Mokpo."

I said, "Why the heck should we drive to Mokpo? That's a million miles from our humble abode."

She said, "It famous for da octopus."

I said, "I'm a big fat man from America. What the fruit am I gonna to with an octopus?"

"Octopus dericious. Everlybody think dericious. You ruv da octopus."

"I don't love octopus. I only eat it when I'm fall-down drunk."

I walked up the stairs to urinate. Then I bought another apple pie for the road. 

When I move to China, I shall live an Old Testament lifestyle. I'll go to work daily while my wife remains at the tent and cooks the meat. And that's cool with me. I'm sick and tired of visiting places. Sight-seeing wears me out.

We got home at 7 p.m. and walked to the beach. We stopped at a second-story restaurant for dinner. I had sweet and sour pork, and spicy rice cake. The meal was fantastic. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju.

Rice-Boy Larry asked my opinion about the rights of the LGBT community.

I said, "You're nine-years-old. Where do you get this crap?"

"The internet."

I said, "I don't give a flying fruit one way or the other. It's their life. They're free to do as they please."

"Donald Trump hates them"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Well, good for him."

We got back to the apartment at 10 p.m. I took a shower and prayed to God. Then I went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Hell Beach on Goeje Island

(I recently visited Goeje Island.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A Korean restaurant in Shanghai is under investigation for selling pork with parasites. Customers noticed the bugs as they ate their meals. The powers-that-be have promised to solve the problem as quickly as possible. Luckily, there are no reports of food poisoning associated with the establishment.

We drove from Masan to Geoje Island in our Hyundai Santa Fe. I've had my SUV for nine years. It's never given me a bit of trouble in all that time. I'm gifting it to my father-in-law when I move to China. Hopefully, I won't have to drive in Asia ever again. These people are crazy.

We found a hotel room across from a beach that was comprised of rocks rather than sand. The owner charged us $100 to spend the night. There was also a seafood restaurant in the same building. We ate grilled scallops and clams. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju. The meal was very expensive. South Korea isn't a cheap country.

We walked to a convenience store and purchased beer. Then we descended a concrete stairwell which led to the pebbled beach. The rocks were of all different shapes and sizes. I nearly broke my legs getting to the ocean.

I said, "One hundred dollars a night for this crap? Only in Korea! I can't even walk on this mother-fruiting beach."

Miz Perfect said, "You watch da rangrage. Da beach OK. It you. You dwunk."

I said, "What's wrong with my language? It's a fruiting rip-off."

But Rice-Boy Larry didn't mind the stones. He navigated them like an expert mountain climber. Soon, he was hip-deep in the sea.

"It feels great, Dad."

"I'll be right there."

I sat down next to the shoreline. It must have been high tide because the strong waves kept knocking my head under the water. I was battered and bruised by Mother Nature for nearly two hours. Finally, the sun went down.

We ate noodles for dinner at a convenience store. I also bought three Roman Candles. You're supposed to hold the tube fuse-side up with this type of firework. However, I did it the opposite way and scared the crap out of several innocent bystanders. One young girl even cried.

I quickly corrected my mistake, but it was too late. My wife's face was twisted with anger.

"You da stoopid man."

"Oh, shut up, you fruiting scold."

I returned to the hotel and went to bed. I dreamt that a female sergeant in the United States Army kicked me in the leg. I woke up with a terrible cramp in my calf. I massaged my aching muscles for several minutes. Then I prayed to God and drifted off back to sleep.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Eating crab in Uljin

(Seafood is expensive in Korea.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Over 200 Chinese citizens were arrested in Cambodia because of an online nudity scandal. These fraudsters somehow convinced naïve Cambodians to send them naked photos. Then they threatened to post the pictures on the internet unless the victims gave them money. The Chinese government has been cracking down on overseas criminals. Maybe I'm a dirty fascist, but I stand with the PRC on this issue. Those scammers should spend time behind bars.

I drove with Miz Perfect to a travel agency. We got the receipt for our plane trip to Shanghai. My new employer is covering our moving expenses, so we need to document everything.

Miz Perfect said, "Ret's dlive to Yeongdeok to eat da clab."

I said, "Yeongdeok? That's two hours away."

"It not two hour. It onry one hour."

I've been married for eighteen years, and sometimes it's just best to nod and smile. Besides, it's not like I had anything better to do.

Two hours later, we arrived in Yeongdeok. We parked our car and started searching for restaurants. All the establishments charged 60 dollars per crab. The price for seafood in South Korea is simply outrageous.

I said, "I'm not paying that kind of money for dinner. The bill will come to over $300. Let's save our cash, and we'll hit a nice restaurant in Shanghai."

Miz Perfect started searching for buffets on her smartphone. She found an all-you-can-eat crab eatery in a town called Uljin. The price was $28 per person and $10 for children. It was forty minutes away.

I bought two big cans of Guinness at a convenience store. I sucked them down during the ride."

My wife said, "Why you dwink all da time?"

I said, "I don't drink all the time. I only drink when we go out."

"Why?"

"Alcohol makes life more tolerable."

The restaurant was a hole-in-the-wall on the side of the road. But it lived up to its billing. I stuffed my face with steamed crab for two straight hours. I washed the vittles down with soju.

Rice-Boy Larry said, "Dad, you eat like white trash."

I said, "That's not very nice. You just slammed me with a racist slur."

He said, "I can't be racist. Only white folks are racist. You people have all the power."

"I stand corrected."

We didn't get home till 10 p.m. I watched Game of Thrones. After that, I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Jonny Bones Jones

(Jonny Bones is my idol.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese military is opening a base in Djibouti. The French and Japanese also have bases in this poor African nation. China is trying to become an international player. I truly hope that they transform themselves into the new global powerhouse. That way, the United States will be able to save a few bucks and get back into the business of boosting the American middle class.

I ate breakfast at my mother-in-law's house. She lives in Daejeon. I had bacon and eggs. The food was great. I thought about my idol Jon Bones Jones. I think a little too much about Jonny Bones. It's starting to worry me. Jon's the greatest fighter on the planet. He recently knocked out Olympic wrestler Daniel Cormier with a savage kick to the head. He even made Big Dan cry. If I could fight like Jon, I would beat the crap out of everybody on the planet.

I called my mother on FaceTime. Ken the Atheist arrived safely at her house. He couldn't talk because he was sleeping. School starts on the 10th of August. He's taking a lot of hard classes. Algebra II. AP European history. Honors biology. Anatomy. The whole nine yards. Ken's a science and math guy. He doesn't read novels or poetry. And he doesn't give a flying screw about art. But that's OK. To each their own.

We drove back to Ulsan. Miz Perfect listened to her song list full blast on the car stereo. The volume was so loud that it nearly damaged my ears. I hate her musical taste. But I didn't complain. I just smiled and nodded like the village idiot. I'm wonderful that way. The glass is always half-full at my humble abode.

We went to a restaurant called Orca. It specializes in JinDeok. Translation? Spicy chicken and potatoes served on a bed of glass noodles. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju. Everything in Korea is overpriced. The meal cost me nearly 50 dollars, and I was still hungry.

We walked to McDonald's. I had a Big Mac and a large order of French fries. I also consumed two apple pies. My gluttony knows no bounds.

I got back to the apartment at 10 p.m. I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

International Family

(I'd rather be a Vulcan.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Seven defendants from Shanghai were given stiff prison sentences for selling fake baby food. One of the men produced cans with the word Similac printed on the labels. The others filled the cans with a powder of their own making. These scoundrels earned a ton of cash selling this garbage. Luckily nobody died.

We drove to Incheon Airport. Ken the Atheist was very excited about returning to America.

He said, "I can't wait to leave this third world crap-hole and get back to a real country."

I said, "You know you're a Korean citizen, right?"

"I'm not Korean. I'm American."

Rice-Boy Larry aped his brother. "Korea sucks. I wish I was going to the U.S."

I said, "You're off to Shanghai in a few weeks."

Larry said, "Shanghai probably sucks, too."

Being an international family is a real pain in the ass. For instance, the vast majority of mixed-race children don't want to stay in Asia. They tend to hate Asia because this is a continent where the kids are often tortured by their overzealous mothers. Study, study, study is the Korean, Japanese, and Chinese battle cry. The majority of high school students only average four hours of sleep per night. Suicide rates are sky high.

I said, "Ken can come visit us in China next summer."

Ken said, "I'll be seventeen-years-old, Dad. I plan to get a job during the vacation. I need to make money."

I said, "Why don't you work on the weekends."

He said, "I want to rest."

The drive was quite arduous. It took five hours. My heart was slowly breaking, but Ken was all smiles. We parked and wheeled his luggage into the terminal. Incheon Airport is beautiful. It's first-class all the way.

(Incheon Airport is marvelous.)

We ate lunch at a restaurant called VIPS Express. I had hot-wings and French fries. The food was great. I washed the vittles down with a can of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm a broke dead dick, so I usually drink the generic stuff. But sometimes a man has to splurge.

Then the moment of truth came. Ken got his boarding pass, and he left his family with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. I stood there crying like a moron in full view of the public.

What's the point of this story? It's simple, really. Love sucks. Sometimes, I'd rather be a Vulcan.      

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Fireworks

(The fireworks got canceled.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A gambler from Shanghai lost his life savings. So he targeted a woman and her infant son in order to make a few bucks. He held a knife to the throat of the child and demanded that Mom give him cash. This happened in the basement parking garage of a Carrefour department store. The thief ran away with approximately $800. However, he was soon apprehended by the powers-that-be. This scoundrel is currently in jail on charges of robbery.

We decided to walk to the beach in order to view a fireworks display.

Ken the Atheist protested. "I'm going back to America in three days. You should do what I ask. That's the polite way."

I said, "What's your plan?"

"Let's go to the PC Room."

Miz Perfect became frustrated. "You pray too much computa game. It not healthy."

"But I get good grades."

"I not care."

We began humping it toward our destination. However, it was real humid outside, so my wife hailed a taxi. The ride came to five dollars. We ate overpriced shellfish at a seaside restaurant. The kids also devoured a huge plate of noodles with hot sauce and squid-bits. I kept my distance.

I said, "What time do the fireworks start. Heck, we can just sit here and watch."

Miz Perfect said, "It not start till nine. Ret's dwink copee. I have da coupon for Starbuck."

I hate Starbucks, but I decided not to argue. I drank a cup of overpriced Earl Gray tea while the boys played with their smart phones. My wife became angry.

"Put da phone away."

Ken said, "Why? This is Starbucks. Everybody plays with their phones."

We finally made our way to the beach. There was an announcement in Korean over the loud speakers. My wife frowned.

I said, "What happened?"

"Da firework cancel. Too much lain. Dat suck."

We caught a taxi back to our apartment. I watched the latest episodes of Snowfall and The Mist. I had a good time. Then I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Graves' Disease

(Graves' Disease is no walk in the park.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese Super League is facing a crisis. Many of the teams haven't paid their players in a timely fashion. In fact, thirteen professional soccer clubs are currently in arears, including the two squads from Shanghai. If the bills aren't resolved by August, the teams will be relegated to the first division.

We drove to Daejeon. My wife had to visit the doctor once again because of her Graves' Disease. The blood test showed signs of hope. Her hormone levels have dropped quite precipitously. But that could lead to another problem--namely hypothyroidism. The side effects are weight gain and depression. So she'll have to return to the hospital in October for another test. Graves' Disease is no walk in the park. All those hormone blitzes lead to serious mental and physical problems. The last three years have been hell. Nevertheless, I remain hopeful. And why not? We live in the age of medical miracles.

We ate lunch at a meat buffet. My sister-in-law met us at the restaurant. This particular establishment served chicken, pork, and beef. I drank two bottles of soju with the meal. I became quite intoxicated.

My sister-in-law's husband owns a PC Room. This made Ken the Atheist very excited. He's addicted to computer games.

Ken said, "Let's go visit for a couple of hours."

I said, "No. We should probably go home."

Sadly, nobody listens to me. I had to sit with the kids as they played Overwatch. Meanwhile, Miz perfect shopped with her sister. It wasn't terrible. I was given free cups of gourmet coffee.

I called my wife.

"We should take the children to a baseball game. Hanwha is playing LG tonight at the stadium."

She agreed. However, Ken went nuts.

He said, "I'm not watching that crap. I hate sports."

I said, "You're a filthy junkie. All you want to do is play with technology twenty-four hours a day. We need to get you out into the sunlight."

"I don't like the sunlight."

Rice-Boy Larry decided to chime in. "Baseball sucks, Dad. We want to go home after this."

I was very disappointed, but I decided to acquiesce. There's nothing written in stone proclaiming that all boys should love sports. And both my kids do well in school. I suppose that's a blessing in itself. Nevertheless, it would be nice to have someone to watch a game with from time to time.

We arrived home at 6 p.m. I ate shrimp fried rice. It was good. Then I viewed American Crime Story for several hours. After that, I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Selling fake water in Shanghai

(A Chinese man was busted for selling fake water in Shanghai.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A man from Shanghai got arrested by the police for selling fake water. He had lots of plastic containers and put fake labels on them like Nestle. After that, he filled the containers with tap water. If he had succeeded with his scheme, he would have made more than $22,000. The world is filled with risk-takers. For better or worse, I've never had the balls to break the law.

I watched several episodes of American Crime Story. The show is first-rate. It comes with my highest recommendation. It's about the O.J. Simpson trial. The story was big news back when I was in my early twenties. O.J. slaughtered his wife and Ron Goldman with a large kitchen knife. He was so angry at the time that he almost decapitated both of his victims. However, he got a free pass because the black jury wanted to poke the Los Angeles police department right in the eye. They were still angry after the whole Rodney King debacle.

Ken the Atheist rolled out of bed at 11 a.m.

He said, "I'm going to meet my friends downtown. I'll be back sometime tonight."

I said, "Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

He said, "That's OK. I have money."

Ken walked out the door.

He's going back to America soon. It's a strange thing. When my boy's in the United States, I actually talk to him more than when he visits Korea. FaceTime and Facebook are marvelous. We talk for hours, and it costs nothing. Technology rocks.

Rice-Boy Larry spoke to me at four p.m. He said, "Dad, do you want to go watch 47 Meters with me and Mom at the movies?"

I said, "What's it about?"

He said, "Two girls get caught at the bottom of the ocean and get eaten by sharks."

"I think I'll pass."

I simply didn't have the juice. Sometimes, I must stay home in order to restore my batteries. I'm not some young spring chicken.

Miz Perfect left me dinner on the kitchen table. She made pork sandwiches with French bread. I love French bread. I devoured the food in seconds flat. Then I washed the vittles down with several glasses of generic cola. I'm a broke dead dick, so I can't afford the good stuff.

At 1 a.m., I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept well.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Overpriced South Korea

(Ashley is overpriced and mediocre at best.)

Yesterday, I woke up at noon and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. There's a huge heatwave in Shanghai. So far, the extreme weather has claimed four lives. Many Chinese citizens are seeking relief by sleeping outside next to the river. Unfortunately, they're leaving their garbage on the public roadways. This is driving the local police crazy. The powers-that-be believe that the unsightly pollution might hurt tourism.

We left the love motel at 1 p.m. and drove back to our humble abode in our nine-year-old Santa Fe. I've never had a single problem with my SUV. Diesel engines last forever. If you move to Korea and purchase a Santa Fe, you could do a hell of a lot worse. The vehicle is very dependable.

We went to a restaurant called Ashley. It features an American-style buffet. The eatery has a Gone With the Wind motif. Ashley is the character played by the late-great Leslie Howard. He's the one with whom Scarlett is in love. I truly hate Ashley. The buffet costs nearly $20 per person, and the food is usually complete crap. But I'm often forced to go there because Rice-Boy Larry loves the joint.

We walked to a store called Shoopen to shop for clothes. I bought four short-sleeved collared shirts for $120. I told Miz Perfect not to purchase them.

I said, "It's too expensive in Korea. Let's wait till we get to China."

She said, "What you wear to work?"

I said, "I'll wear something cheaper."

She said, "You shut da mouth."

I saw a pair of olive-colored shoes that I liked, but the shop didn't have them in my size.

We got home at 9 p.m. I listened to Yes on YouTube. The group jammed with Geddy Lee. Geddy is a great bass player. He's the lead singer for a group called Rush. I like them, too.

I'm really happy that I'm moving to China. Quite frankly, I need a change. I hear that the food in Shanghai is both delicious and affordable. I can't wait to try the fare.

I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Lotte Water Park

(I'm not a huge fan of Lotte Water Park in Gimhae.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A Chinese woman named Cheng took her three-year-old daughter to an amusement park. The little girl became fascinated by a ride which featured spinning seats shaped like coconuts. She reached out to touch the ride and was struck in the head. She suffered a blood clot in her brain. Luckily, the doctors were able to remove the clot. However, the procedure was expensive, costing more than $26,000.

We drove to Gimhae to visit Lotte Water Park. Perhaps I'm a Grinch, but I found the place to be a giant rip-off. Four tickets came to $170, and we weren't even allowed to sit on a beach chair. The powers-that-be charged us another $20 for that privilege. A thunder storm hit, and we tried to take refuge under a wooden platform that had a roof. However, we were kicked out because the platforms actually cost $150 to rent for the day.

We spent the night in a love motel. These are places where young Koreans go to fornicate. But the price was right, so I didn't complain. I paid less than $50. You can't beat that. Plus the room was clean and spacious. It featured a large flat-screen television and a computer. South Korea is an expensive country. However, love motels are truly a bargain.

Miz Perfect asked the desk clerk to lead her to a good sashimi restaurant. That kind of pissed me off a bit. We live on a peninsula which is dotted with raw fish establishments. It's not like we needed a guide. Furthermore, the guy sat down and ate with us. He simply wouldn't go away.

I said, "Tell him that he has a huge snot hanging out of his nose."

And this was true. It was putting me off of my dinner.

She said, "I not tell him. It imporite."

"Then I'll tell him."

"You shut da mouth."

I drank a lot of soju, and eventually his unsightly booger became a non-issue.

After sashimi, we walked to a nearby McDonald's. We bought several Big Macs and French fries for the children. I ordered five apple pies. I noticed that Miz Perfect was talking to the girl at the counter in English.

I scolded her. "Use Korean or she'll get the order wrong."

The girl said, "I studied in America for several years. I'm not going to get the order wrong."

I said, "Sorry, I didn't realize you knew the language so well."

We walked back to the motel. I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow. But Rice-Boy Larry started crying in the middle of the night. I thought that he was hurt or something. Maybe he had been bitten by an insect.

I said, "What's wrong?"

He said, "I had a dream."

I said, "What did you dream about?"

He said, "I dreamt that you sold me for $60."

"Only 60 bucks? I could get a better deal than that."

I put my head back on the pillow. I slept like the dead.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Dang Dang Chicken

(I will miss Dang Dang Chicken.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese powers-that-be recently closed down over 3000 websites. This little tidbit of information is certainly not surprising. After all, the PRC isn't known as a bastion of freedom. But I'm a little concerned for the fate of this blog. I recently purchased a VPN, so I should be able to get around the Great China Firewall. However, only time will tell.

One of my former coworkers called me. He managed to fix my Surface Pro Three. The guy did it free of charge. Talk about a gentleman.

I currently have two apartments. One belongs to my former employer, and the other I bought four-years-ago using my own cash. We drove to my employer's apartment in my nine-year-old Santa Fe. I mention this in passing. I've never had a bit of trouble with my SUV. Diesel engines last forever.

Anyway, it was time to clean. The amount of crap we managed to accumulate over the span of a decade was astounding. Luckily, one of our neighbors wanted the stuff in order to sell it at a local flea-market. She stopped by in a flatbed truck, and the boys and I loaded it up.

Ken said, "Why are we giving her our belongings? We could sell it ourselves and make a few bucks."

I said, "Do you know anything about Korean flea-markets?"

"No."

"Exactly. Trust me. That old lady is doing us a favor. You want to haul all that garbage up four flights of stairs?"

"Good point."

My other apartment doesn't have an elevator.

Later, we drove to Dang Dang Chicken. We ordered drumsticks and spicy rice cake. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju and a pitcher of beer. I'm a terrible glutton. My appetite knows no bounds.

I said, "Never use those stupid machines at McDonald's. They put people out of work."

Ken the Atheist frowned. "Why are we talking about McDonald's at a chicken house?"

"I'm just trying to educate you boys. Those damn ordering machines put people out of work."

Ken said, "Corporations have a right to save money. Those folk need to find real jobs."

Rice-Boy Larry said, "That's right, Dad. Let them find real jobs."

Both my sons are a couple of dirty elitists.

We arrived home at 11 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Ozark

(Ozark is another great television show.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A building in Shanghai collapsed, injuring one person and killing five others. The structure used to be a bank. It was slated for demolition in the near future. The Chinese powers-that-be are currently investigating the accident.

I read the Shanghai newspaper every day. Lots of people in China die from accidents. I'll have to be very careful.

Miz Perfect went downtown to meet her friends for coffee. She left several bacon sandwiches on the kitchen table. They were delicious. She made them with French bread. I love French bread. The kids and I devoured the fare in record time. My children have the table manners of the average Korean male. Those of you who live on the peninsula know exactly what I'm talking about. I suppose the table manners in China will be comparable. Heck. Maybe worse. But that's OK. I'm also a disgusting filthy slob. So I harbor no ill-will.

Ken the Atheist went to the PC room. Soon, he shall return to America. He leaves on the 31st of July. He's taking a lot of high level courses. For instance, he's in honors algebra II and honors biology. I was a crappy high school student. In fact, I never opened a book. Therefore, I'm quite proud of his academic success.

I watched several episodes of a show called Ozark. It's about a crooked investor who runs afoul of a drug lord. He moves his family to rural Missouri in order to save his skin. The program is excellent. It stars Jason Bateman and Laura Linney. 

Movies really suck these days unless you're into Ironman and the rest of the trash. All the serious work is being done on television. The upside is that a person doesn't have to be a star to get a juicy role. Just look at Brian Cranston and James Gandolfini. They made the names Walter White and Tony Soprano world famous. Meanwhile, Oscar-winning artists like Robert Downey Jr. are too busy playing superheroes for bags of cash.

Miz Perfect returned at 6 p.m. She prepared chicken soup for dinner. The broth was full of rice and ginseng. It tasted excellent. My wife's a wonderful cook. She excels in all things feminine.

She said, "We must wake up earry tomollow."

I said, "Why?"

"Are you stoopid? We must crean da school apart-ah."

And she's correct. The school wants its apartment back. It doesn't have to be spic and span. In fact, Korean movers usually handle the cleaning duties. But my poor wife is obsessed with dust and grime. She won't be happy until the entire world is spotless.

I said my prayers at one a.m. Then I climbed into bed and slept like the dead.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Dunkirk

(Dunkirk isn't as good as Game of Thrones.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A man from Shanghai named Yao was bitten by a neighborhood dog. He failed to visit the hospital in a timely fashion. Two months later, he died from rabies. The Chinese powers-that-be are currently killing all the stray dogs and cats in Yao's neighborhood. I'm in full agreement with the government. The disease is often fatal for infected humans. Better to snuff the threat out now before other innocent people die.

Miz Perfect and I drove to the national pension office. We left the children at home. I had to fill out a few papers and show the guy my bank account. My pension will be deposited in the account about a week after I leave the country. The whole process was pretty painless. Miz Perfect and I are thinking about buying a small apartment in Daejeon. We'll rent it out until we decide to return to the peninsula.

On the way home, Miz Perfect said, "Rets go to da movie. You rike Dunkirk. It about war."

I said, "OK."

It turned out that the kids didn't want to go. I let Ken the Atheist off the hook and gave him permission to spend the evening at the PC room.

Miz Perfect said, "He pray too much computa game."

I said, "He's almost old enough to join the army. Leave him alone."

However, I forced Rice-Boy Larry to come with us. The poor kid cried like a woman. However, he's only nine-years-old and is far too young to stay alone at the apartment.

The film was damn good. Chris Nolan directed it. He's the same guy who directed Batman with Heath Ledger. But here's the problem. Movies are now passé. All the exciting stuff is being done on television. For instance, you can't compare Dunkirk with Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad. The latter are simply far better. Talented men like Nolan have to get with the times and realize that the small screen will give them lots of artistic freedom to produce their masterpieces.

We went to a restaurant for raw fish. I'm a big fan of sashimi. But it's overpriced here on the peninsula. A little bit of dead flounder costs a ton of money. I drank two bottles of soju with my meal. I became a quite drunk.

I turned to Larry. "Did you know that Dad's people stood up to the Nazis? My grandfather's ship was sunk by a German U-boat. He spent several hours swimming in the North Atlantic before being rescued."

He said, "Is that true?"

"Yes. He lived until he was eighty-five. He finally died of heart failure."

"What did Mom's family do during the war?"

"They supported the Nazis and the Imperial Japanese."

Miz Perfect gave me the stink-eye. "You such da idiot."

I should probably quit drinking.

We got home at 11 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Game of Thrones

(Ramsay Snow is one of my favorite characters.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A mentally retarded woman from Shanghai tried to kill her child with a hammer. She claimed it was an act of mercy. She was worried that the boy wouldn't survive if she died. Luckily, the kid only sustained minor injuries. Mom was given a three year prison sentence for her crime.

I walked with Miz Perfect to the dentist. That's one of the great things about living in Korea. You don't have to drive all over the place. My dentist gave me ample Novocain and proceeded to drill and buff my bad tooth. He managed to save the nerves. Today, I'm in a little bit of pain. But I'm a big tough American man, so I should be able to suck it up. In the future, I'll need dentures. I've come to grips with the fact that I'll die a toothless old hillbilly. Oh well. What's a boy to do?

Rice-Boy Larry went to another party. He's an extremely popular boy. I stayed home and watched Game of Thrones. I'm almost done with season six. One of my favorite characters is Ramsay Snow. He's a very bad man without a conscience. He even feeds his newly born brother to the hounds. Anyway, Sansa Stark gets her revenge. She turns the table on Ramsay, and the villain has his face chewed off by his very own beloved dogs. Game of Thrones is filled with buckets of blood. I love it.

Ken the Atheist rolled out of bed at 2 p.m. He walked past me and farted. It was a wet smelly atrocity.

I said, "That's disgusting."

He said, "Sorry, but I'm only human."

I said, "Do you have any plans today?"

"I'm meeting friends."

"Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

"I'm OK. I have money."

Ken put his clothes on and left the apartment. He's enjoying a great vacation. Soon, he'll be back in America. His school starts on August tenth. He wants to be a registered nurse.

I got an email from China. I was told to bring Rice-Boy Larry's original birth certificate to Shanghai for his S-visa. I explained the problem. Larry's birth certificate is the property of the Korean government. It's part of his family registry. I can only get copies.

China soon realized the error. I've already sent an authenticated family record. It seems that this document will do just fine. Paperwork for living on the Mainland is a true pain in the ass. But things are progressing nicely in spite of the confusion.

Later that night, I said my prayers on bended knees. Then I slept like the dead.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Ass Soup

(Ass Soup could gag a maggot.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the newspaper while enjoying a bathroom break. According to The Times, the physically and mentally challenged in North Korea are routinely put to death. I'm not surprised. Even in South Korea, you don't see many crippled or retarded people. I suspect that most are aborted in their mothers' wombs. Korean society demands excellence. Losers simply aren't tolerated.

I went to the dentist. I have a bad tooth. The dental assistant didn't want to take me at first. She said that I had complained too much during my previous visit a month earlier. I was about to leave, but Miz Perfect had other plans. She demanded service and accused the woman of racism. Eventually, the dentist sat me in a chair and began his inspection. Luckily, my tooth can be saved. He told me to return the next day.

We drove to a local hospital to get Rice-Boy Larry's shot records. His new Chinese school requires them. It turned out that he needed one more injection for Hepatitis A.

Ken the Atheist started laughing. "It's going to hurt, Larry. And you're going to cry like a little baby."

But Larry never shed a tear. He's tough like his dad.

After that, it was time for lunch. We went to Muso once again and enjoyed the all-you-can-eat beef barbeque. I stuffed my face like a grotesque fat man. The hot juice from the meat ran down my chin and left several stains on my clothing. Table manners have never been my forte.

Then it was time for our haircuts. Ken and I just got a regular cut which took no time at all. But Rice-Boy Larry opted for a perm. Even though he's only nine-years-old, he likes to look good. The procedure took over two hours.

Ken the Atheist decided to go to the PC room. He's addicted to a game called Overwatch. Meanwhile, Miz Perfect and I visited a soju hoff. She ordered a large bowl of Ass Soup. Ass Soup is my generic term for most Korean stews. Why? They all smell like ass. Ass Soup could literally gag a maggot. God knows how they eat it.

We arrived home at 10 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Asperger's Syndrome

(I can't get the hamburger out of my ass.)

Yesterday, I had this terrible dream about being in prison. Several grown men blocked my way as I tried to go to the cafeteria. They told me that they were going to rape me. I reported their behavior to the prison pastor, but she just gave me an evil smirk. I also told the guards, but they said it wasn't their problem. I suddenly remembered that I'm a 250 pound healthy man. I used my fists to beat these criminals into submission. It felt great.

I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read Facebook while enjoying a bathroom break. A drug deal went wrong in Pennsylvania. Four young men tried to buy marijuana from two dangerous psychopaths. The psychopaths murdered all four and buried their bodies on a spacious farm. The two criminals agreed to cooperate with police to avoid the death penalty. They will spend the rest of their lives in prison.

Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry went to an outdoor swimming pool. Larry's school friends were there, too. These little parties cost a lot of money. I can't wait till I go to China. Miz Perfect can't speak a word of Chinese, so she'll have a tough time making friends with the Asian mothers. This lack of communication should save me a few bucks.

I was supposed to go to school. I need to clean my classroom. Plus I have lots of i's to dot and t's to cross. But I was just too lazy. I stayed home and watched television instead. I'm currently enjoying the American version of Mad Dogs. It's about four regular guys who get caught up in a drug deal gone bad. The setting is Belize. The show comes with my highest recommendation.

My eldest son Ken woke up at 3 p.m. He drank several bottles of water.

He said, "I'm going to the PC room."

I said, "Aren't you hungry?"

"No. Mom's food is giving me the runs."

"So what are you going to eat?"

"Tell her to buy me some fast food. I'll be home at eleven."

He walked out the door.

Ken often breaks the law. Minors are supposed to leave the PC room at 10 p.m. But he pretends that he doesn't speak Korean, so the manager just lets him stay.

Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry returned at 9:45 p.m. She brought home two Big Macs and two large orders of French fries. My wife's a clean freak, so she had to lay down newspaper on the coffee table before serving the fare. The meal was delicious. I love junk food.

Ken showed up about an hour later. He got very excited when he saw the McDonald's bag.

He pumped his fist in the air and yelled, "Hell yes!"

Ken looked at me. "I'm going to ask you a strange question."

"Shoot."

"Do you think I have Asperger's Syndrome?"

"No. There's nothing wrong with you."

"You don't even know what Asperger's Syndrome is."

"Sure I do."

"What is it?"

"It's when you have a hamburger stuck up your ass, and you can't get it out."

"That's stupid."

I shrugged my shoulders. Then I said my prayers and went to bed.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Never get out of the boat


Yesterday, Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry went to another party. Larry's friends are all rich. Their fathers are doctors and professors. Sadly, I'm just a poor working man. In fact, I'm so broke that I often drink generic cola. It's tough to keep up with the Joneses. I hope Larry becomes a member of the proletariat when he moves to China. Maybe I'll be able to save a buck or two.

I was supposed to go to school in order to clean up my classroom. There are many i's to dot and t's to cross. But I was just too lazy. I watched Game of Thrones instead. The show was wonderful as usual. The young Stark girl is becoming quite the accomplished assassin. She kills all of Walder's men with poisoned wine. Meanwhile, The Hound is growing a conscience. He shows remorse by burying two of his former victims and praying over their corpses. But I will say this. If Jon Snow wins the throne, I shall defecate right in my hat. That boy should still be dead.

I also viewed UFC Fight Night 113. Gunnar Nelson, the karate-guru from Iceland, got his butt kicked by a dude from Argentina. Nelson was put to sleep due to several successive right hands. That's what I love about mixed martial arts. Everybody takes a beating from time to time--even the stars of the sport. I used to think that MMA was a white trash sausage-festival. But then I had the pleasure of watching Jon Bones Jones work his magic. He lifts fighting to an art form.

Ken woke up at 3 p.m. He sleeps days while visiting the peninsula. Why? He enjoys the PC Room. The poor child's an addict. He plays Overwatch all night long. Things could always be worse. At least he's not hooked on drugs. Ken's on the honor roll, so I cut him lots of slack. I was never on the honor roll. He wants to be a registered nurse.

He said, "Dad, I'm going out."

I said, "Can I make you breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry."

"OK. See you later."

He walked out the door.

I ate several pounds of left-over fried chicken and drank many bottles of Belgian pilsner. I'm a big fat slob. My gluttony knows no bounds. I want to stop being such a pig. My goal is to become less like Homer Simpson and more like Atticus Finch. I have faith. Anything is possible with the Lord on your side.

Speaking of God...There are two instances in the Bible where Peter steps out of the boat. The first is when he witnesses Jesus walking on water. Christ calls for his servant, and Peter follows. He walks on the sea successfully for a couple of steps. Then he sinks like a stone. The second time comes at the end of The Gospel of John. Peter sees the risen Christ cooking fish along the shore of Galilee. He jumps out of the boat and swims to his master. Jesus tells Peter that his own crucifixion in Rome is right around the corner.

What's the lesson of the story? Stay in the boat if you value your life. I bring this up because of my move to China. Nobody lives forever, so there is no point in valuing your existence too much. Plus you can't take your money with you when you die. Therefore, it actually makes sense to store your treasure in heaven. This change in location is my feeble attempt to step out of the boat.

Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry came home at 9 p.m. I took a shower and said the Lord's Prayer. Then I went to bed.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Domestic Abuse

(Grave's Disease is hell.)

Yesterday, Miz Perfect wanted to go shopping, so we drove to the local Homeplus. The place was quite busy. It was almost impossible to find a parking spot. My wife kept using bad language to express her dismay, but I managed to keep my cool. Soon, I'll be in Shanghai. The city's population is 24 million. I must get used to crowds, or I'll go insane.

We purchased water, eggs, and bread. We also bought some beer. Miz Perfect's hands were trembling. She's been suffering from out-of-control Grave's Disease for the last three years. She recently had her thyroid removed with radiation. But her eyes are still bugged-out and her emotional state remains a roller-coaster ride. Grave's Disease is pure hell.

I said, "Do you want to eat dinner at a restaurant?"

She said, "What lestaulant?"

"How about the beef buffet?"

So that's what we did. We drove to an eatery named Muso. For twenty dollars a person, you can consume all the beef your stomach can hold. I like the joint. I drank soju with my meal.

Then one of my former co-workers came inside. I waved to her, and we spoke. I felt uncomfortable. I used to work at a Christian school, so drinking is a controversial issue. Some think it's OK while others view it as sin.

I devoured a ton of meat. I weigh 250 pounds. I'm a morbidly obese fat man. I also drank two bottles of soju. What can I say? My blood is bacon grease and my urine is pure alcohol.

Later that night, I took a shower. When I stepped outside, I couldn't find my glasses.

I said, "I can't see a thing. Where are my glasses?"

Miz Perfect said, "I crean dem now."

"Tell me when you're finished."

"You shut da mouth."

"I can't even watch the television without them."

"I tole you to shut da mouth. Now I not give you da grasses."

So I sat on the sofa blind for about fifteen minutes. Then I found the spectacles resting on the kitchen countertop. Naturally, I put them on. Miz Perfect experienced an extreme episode of Grave's rage.

"Give me da grasses, or I bleak you computa. I put it in da wata."

She started walking toward the sink. I managed to wrestle my laptop away from her. But my resistance drove her to the point of lunacy. She kicked me several times in the thigh with her right foot. Her blows hurt like hell. After that, she smashed a plastic serving tray over my head. It broke into a million pieces.

Eventually, Miz Perfect regained her senses, and I went to bed. But here's the point. It's unacceptable for a woman to hit a man. It's abuse.