Sunday, August 27, 2017

I'm now in China

(Shanghai is beautiful.)

Yesterday, the cable guy came to my apartment to install Wi-Fi. It took him nearly an hour to get the job done. When he finally finished, the internet worked for my son's computer. However, I couldn't get access. He started talking to me in Chinese. After that, he told me in sign language to sign the contract. Then he walked out the door, leaving your faithful narrator high and dry.

I'm not really a computer guy. And for about 20 minutes, I paced up and down screaming the F-word.

I said, "Fruit! Fruit! That motherfruiter really fruiting reamed me."

Suddenly, an idea popped into my tiny little brain. I restored my Samsung back to its original factory specs. The process took nearly three hours. But it did the job. I now have blazing fast internet speed. Plus my VPN is working like a charm.

We rode the metro to East Nanjing Road in order to visit The Bund. We looked over the river and marveled at the Shanghai skyline. This city is truly beautiful. I'm feeling a great deal of love for the town. However, I've only been here for seven days. Things may change. Perhaps I'll grow bitter.

I took my family to a restaurant. We had short ribs, kung-pow chicken, shrimp fried rice, and boiled clams. The food was absolutely delicious. I washed the vittles down with two big bottles of Harbin beer. The bill came to 28 dollars. You can't beat that.

We got into a taxi. The driver got lost on the way home.

Miz Perfect said, "He da clook. He praying with us."

I said, "He's not playing with us. This is a huge city. He's probably just lost."

She said, "He da clook. Don't be stoopid."

It took us roughly an hour to get home. But the cab fare only came twenty dollars.  Prices in Shanghai are pretty cheap.

I swilled Suntory beer in the comfort of my home while watching Game of Thrones. The Night King kills a dragon with a lance made of ice. The dragon's death is quite impressive. It bleeds out in mid-air. Game of Thrones rocks.

I prayed to the Lord and went to bed. I didn't dream. I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I surfed the net while enjoying a bathroom break. Jon Bones Jones got popped yet again for steroids. He's facing another long suspension. That guy never learns.

Today, we're going to Walmart to buy groceries. We are planning on taking a taxi. I'll let you know how it went.

God bless.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

More soju redux

(I enjoyed soju with my barbecue.)

Yesterday, my sister-in-law took us out for dinner. It was our farewell meal. We had Korean barbecue. It included all the fixings such as sauteed onions, Chinese mushrooms, and kimchi. I stuffed my fat face with pork until I thought I would explode. The meat tasted fantastic. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju and a big glass of beer. A good time was had by all.

We returned home at 9 p.m. I took a shower and washed the grime from my filthy body. The Queen Elephant doesn't believe in air-conditioning. Plus electricity is simply too expensive here on the peninsula. During the summer, I usually just sit in front of a fan and sweat like a pig.

I watched the rest of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry.

He said, "Those pagans are much better fighters than the English. I like their style."

"I've got bad news for you."

"What?"

"The English end up kicking their butts back to Scandinavia. Historically speaking."

"Really?"

"Really."

And this is true. King Alfred opened up a can of whoop-ass on Ivar the Boneless back in the 9th century. With that said, I'd never make it as a Viking or a Saxon. I've got the drinking part down, but I fight like a girl. Oh well. What's a boy to do?

I paid homage to The Christ God. I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees. Then I went to sleep and had a crazy dream. I found myself relaxing in Pastor John MacArthur's bed and watching porno on a large screen television. Suddenly, my former boss barged into the apartment.

He smiled at me nervously. "Mr. Buffalo, you can't be here until April."

I said, "Don't worry. I'm only testing the place out."

I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Antifa and other leftists shut down a free-speech rally in Boston. They're very proud of themselves, and the media is on their side. The First Amendment seems to be under fire in my nation.

I ate bacon and pancakes for dinner. Rice-Boy Larry had fish, rice, and ass-soup. That boy is a real Asian. I took him for a haircut before walking to the internet cafe. We leave for China tomorrow. I probably won't be able to blog for the next few days. I have to get the internet set up in my apartment.

God bless.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Live shrimp cooked on rock salt

(Shrimp are delicious in spite of the cruelty.)

Yesterday, I took my family to a seafood restaurant. We enjoyed live shrimp cooked on a bed of rock salt. The poor little suckers squirmed to and fro in the frying pan before turning pink and finally dying. The meal was delicious. I'm a big fan of shellfish. They bring me joy. I washed the vittles down with several large glasses of water. Sometimes, H2O is the only liquid which truly quenches my thirst. A good time was had by all.

We walked back to The Queen Elephant's house. I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. Vikings is one of my favorite shows of all time. I'm currently at the part where Ragnar is put to death by King Aella. He's dumped into a pit filled with venomous vipers. It's not a pleasant way to go.

I wanted to call Ken the Atheist using FaceTime. But The Queen Elephant doesn't have WiFi in her apartment. It's like living in the Stone Age. I said my prayers and went to bed at two a.m. I dreamt about my dead uncle. He had a perm and a curly beard. The poor man looked ridiculous. I almost cried.

I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I turned on CNN International. Don Lemon shared some terrible news with the entire globe. Donald Trump and Steve Bannon have parted ways. I'm no longer a supporter of Trump. In fact, I don't support anybody. Bannon was the guy pushing Donald's populist agenda. Without Steve, my president is just another Marco Rubio with better jokes. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

I got into a fight with Miz Perfect. Her Grave's Disease makes her hormonal from time to time.

I said, "Who were you talking to on the telephone?"

She said, "It not you bidness."

I said, "OK. I was just asking."

She said, "It was my sista. She take us to dinna."

I was pleasantly surprised. "Where are we going?"

She said, "How da fluit should I know? Am I my sista? You da stoopid man."

I walked into the other room. I can't be bothered with squabbles. I'm just too fruiting old for the headaches often associated with marriage. I cherish peace.

I walked with Larry to the internet cafe. We stopped at the 7-11 to buy drinks. We purchased two cans of Pepsi. Larry is currently playing some video game while I write this stupid blog. We'll probably return home at 6 p.m. to get our free meal. I'll be in China in a couple of days--God willing.

Friday, August 18, 2017

More soju

(I drank more soju last night.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. One of the biggest stories in China is Trump and the riot in Virginia. A young woman was killed when an angry Nazi ran her over with a car. 

Trump said that both sides--the alt-right and the loony left--were actively seeking violence on that tragic day. And now he's being crucified by the national media for his unwise choice of words. I must be a complete idiot, but I agree with the president. Those Antifa thugs look every bit as scary as the white supremacists. Both sides were beating the living crap out of each other. I'm just surprised that more people weren't killed in all the chaos.

And where were the cops? They were given orders to stand-down by the powers-that-be. Sometimes, the police need to keep control of a situation by kicking ass and taking names. They're the metaphorical sword which maintains law and order in society. Standing back and watching Rome burn simply isn't an option.

I spoke to Ken the Atheist using FaceTime. "Are you doing OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Do you have anything to tell me?"

"Not really."

"How's school?"

"School's OK."

"Do you have a favorite class?"

"Lunch."

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"OK."

Ken the Atheist is a great son, even though he's going to hell. I shouldn't make those kind of jokes. I'm sure he'll find God when he gets older. He's a good student, and he doesn't smoke or drink. Ken wants to be a registered nurse in the future. Good for him.

Miz Perfect drove to Daejeon with her mother. She had to cancel our phones. We broke the contracts early, so we were forced to pay over a thousand dollars in penalties and bills. The Queen Elephant gave us the money to cover the nut. It was her farewell present.

Rice-Boy Larry and I went to the internet cafe. He loves to play computer games. He can do it for hours and hours and hours. Meanwhile, I wrote my stupid blog and listened to more sermons by Pastor John MacArthur. I find his style of speech spellbinding. He's very macho.

Miz Perfect met us at the PC Room at 6:30 p.m. The Queen Elephant then took us to a restaurant in her snazzy Audi sports car. We had barbecue pork. The meal was delicious. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju. I became quite drunk. A good time was had by all.

I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. Rollo defeats Ragnar once again, making him the hero of Paris. Vikings is one of my favorite shows of all-time. I absolutely love it.

I prayed to God and laid down in bed. I slept like the dead.   

Thursday, August 17, 2017

My last soju

(I'm sick and tired of soju.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, and we ran out of coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A criminal gang from Beijing was busted for stealing neighborhood dogs. These thugs butchered the animals and sold the meat to local restaurants at cheap prices. They could spend many years in prison for their crimes. I'm not a big animal guy. A few less dogs in the world is just what the doctor ordered. But what do I know?

Miz Perfect went to Daejeon to visit her sister. She gave me a few bucks to bring Rice-Boy Larry to the internet cafe. He played games for hours and hours. Meanwhile, I watched several YouTube videos featuring the sermons of Pastor John MacArthur. His style of public speaking is spellbinding. I could listen to him talk all day.

Miz Perfect called. "I not come home till rate. Bling Rarry to Homeprus for da pitsa."

I said, "OK."

Homeplus is right across the street from this particular establishment. We walked to the basement of the department store and ordered a medium pepperoni pizza with no cheese. I never eat the stuff. It makes me ill.

The woman behind the counter kept touching Larry's cheeks. She was fascinated by the fact that a little white man could speak her language like a native. She couldn't get enough of him.

The meal was quite delicious, and it only came to ten dollars. I washed the vittles down with a big plastic bottle of Sprite. Then we returned to the PC room. I wrote my stupid blog while Rice-Boy played more games. He had a great time.

We finally made our way home at nine p.m. I was in the mood for a beer. But beer in Korea is very expensive. A domestic tall-boy costs over two dollars at most stores. The price is simply ridiculous. So I purchased soju instead. 

I'm simply tired of soju. I'm never going to drink the stuff again. I looked up the price of beer in China, and it's cheaper than America. I plan to spend the rest of my days guzzling Tsingtao and Harbin in the comfort of my apartment. Praise the Lord!


(I'm going to be a beer-head once again.)

I said my prayers and went to bed at one a.m. I slept like the dead.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Another trip to Daejeon

(We went to Daejeon once again.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house and access to freshly brewed Joe is limited. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Two Chinese men decided that they wanted to barbecue sparrows for dinner. So they called a friend, and together they slaughtered more than fifty of the birds.

However, killing more than twenty wild animals at a time is illegal in China. The three men now face five years in prison for their crime. That seems harsh to me. The world has too many sparrows to begin with. Those filthy little creatures spread disease and destroy crops. Therefore, we desperately need men who are willing to eat them. Eating sparrows is a win-win situation for everybody.

We took a bus to Daejeon. Rice-Boy Larry wanted to go roller-skating. It was pissing rain outside. The first place we stopped was a Japanese restaurant for lunch. I had a huge bowl of soup. The meal was excellent. I washed the vittles down with a couple bottles of Kirin beer.

After that, we went shopping. I bought two pairs of dress shoes for my new job. I also purchased a pair of plastic Birkenstock sandals. They're actually quite comfortable. The Birkenstocks were on sale for twenty-nine dollars. Meanwhile, the dress shoes came to nearly 200 bucks.

I said, "That's too expensive. We should check Shanghai for bargains."

Miz Perfect said, "You da stoopid man. You not have da shoe. What you wear to work on Tuesday?"

I acquiesced.

After that, we made our way through the raindrops to a large department store. The elevator took us to the fourth floor. It turned out to be a skating rink.

Rice-Boy Larry skated for over two hours. At first, he was horrible. But he started to get the hang of things in about fifteen minutes. He went around and around and around in circles while listening to K-pop blaring over the loudspeakers. Good for him.

We met some old friends later in the evening. One of them asked if I had any parting words of wisdom.

I said, "God's a mystery. That's all I know."

We finally arrived home at 10:30 p.m. I prayed and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Costco in Korea is closed on Sundays...sometimes

(Costco is often forced to close its doors on Sundays.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, so I don't always have access to freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese powers-that-be are now allowing their citizens to have more than one baby. Consequently, lots of older ladies are showing up pregnant at the local hospitals. This is causing problems because age and birth-defects often go hand-in-hand.

Miz Perfect asked me to go with her to Costco. I agreed. I didn't have much choice. I try to keep the peace. The Queen Elephant came with us. She drove us to downtown Daejeon in her brand new Audi. The volume of the navigation system gave me a splitting headache. Somehow, my mother-in-law screwed things up by playing with the buttons.

My wife forgot it was Sunday. Costco was closed. Major retail chains are forced to shut  their doors two Sundays per month. The Korean government passed this law so that smaller supermarkets could make an extra buck or two.

The Queen Elephant offered to pay for lunch. We went to an all you can eat barbecue joint. I ate lots of pork. In Korea, the customers cook their own meat right at the table. It's actually a lot of fun.

(Eating in Korea is fun.)

Miz Perfect said, "Do you want da soju?"

"No. I'll just have water."

It was too early for soju. I don't like to drink until after six p.m.

The meal was delicious. I stuffed my face like a filthy pagan. The juice from the meat ran down my fat chin and stained my clothing.

My wife gave me the stink-eye. "You da pig."

I didn't return her insult. Instead, I just smiled like a retarded infant. I'm wonderful that way.

We finished our meal and drove to a butcher shop. Miz Perfect bought a ton of beef for me and Rice-Boy Larry. We didn't eat it yesterday. We were too busy watching Vikings, and neither of us was hungry. So I'll prepare it tonight when I get home.

The Queen Elephant's house is pretty much empty for the next day or so. Therefore, I have the run of the place. Perhaps I'll get drunk as I feast. That sounds like a good plan.

Anyway, God bless everybody. I'll talk to you later.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Buying an apartment in Sejong City

(Sejong City is very beautiful at night.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, but we now have a coffee maker. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The UFC is coming to Shanghai. The featured bout on the card is Anderson Silva versus Kelvin Gastelum. I'm a huge fan of mixed martial arts. All that blood turns me on. However, I will be forced to view the event from the comfort of my living room. The cost for tickets is outrageous. I simply can't swing it.

I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. He's now a huge fan of the show. We are currently on the episode where Ragnar is fighting for control of Mercia.

The phone rang. It was Miz Perfect.

"Hully! Put on da crothes. I meet you soon."

I said, "Where are the clothes?"

She said, "Neva mind. I come up."

My wife came storming into the house five minutes later.

"We must hully. Dey waiting."

"Who's waiting?"

"My mudda and aunt. We go Sejong City to rook at apartment."

I got dressed. Then we climbed into The Queen Elephant's Audi and sped away. The trip took about forty minutes. It was very uncomfortable. My mother-in-law must have screwed around with the volume in her navigation system, and the voice was so loud that it literally gave me a headache.

The apartment turned out to be quite impressive. Plus Sejong looks absolutely marvelous--especially at night. The city is still an infant. It's supposed to turn into the new Seoul. I'm a bit skeptical. But, with that said, Seoul is way too close to North Korea, so the government has to do something.

We won't be living in our new digs. The place is strictly for investment purposes. We'll rent it and use the money to pay the monthly nut. After ten years, we'll sell it and hope to Christ that we don't go broke.

I got home at 11 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Off the Wagon

(A Chinese man carved a pig's heart on the subway.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a glass of Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, so I have no access to freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A man in Shanghai entered the subway with a pig's heart in his hand. He sliced the organ into little pieces during the ride. However, judging by the picture, his fellow Chinese citizens didn't seem too concerned by his peculiar behavior. I wonder if this type of scene is commonplace in the PRC.

My father-in-law took me and Rice-Boy Larry to a local restaurant for lunch. We had barbecue pork. I didn't want to go. The eatery is owned by a Roman Catholic family, and there's a big crucifix located on the counter. The Roman faith makes me queasy. I find it heretical. For instance, every Sunday millions of priest across the globe sacrifice Jesus Christ once again upon their unholy altars. However, as it says in Hebrews, altars, the priestly class, and further sacrifices are no longer necessary. Jesus's atoning death did the trick, so the rest is all Hollywood. But what do I know?

Miz Perfect is still out of town. Therefore, I went to a local internet cafe with Rice-Boy Larry. He enjoys playing Overwatch just like his older brother, Ken the Atheist.

He said, "Wow, talk about beautiful."

Truer words have never been spoken. This particular establishment is very clean, and you get to use these wonderful large-screen computers for less than a dollar an hour. Plus you can order gourmet coffee and have it brought directly to your chair by an attractive waitress. How's that for class?

I wrote my stupid blog. Then I watched several episodes of Vikings. I'm currently on season 2. Rollo is trying to convince Yarl Borg to go raiding with Ragnar during the summer. Ragnar wants to trick Yarl Borg with false promises of friendship in order to give his enemy a bloody eagle.

American television is wonderful. It's actually too good. I read a hell of a lot less than I used to because of all the quality drama currently on the boob-tube.

Larry and I went to a local chicken restaurant for dinner. We both enjoyed fried bird at a reasonable price. I fell off the wagon. I washed the poultry down with two bottles of soju and a huge mug of beer. I'm not proud. Sometimes, I'm no better than the average pagan. But what's a boy to do?

We got home at 10 p.m. and took showers. Then I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Pastor John MacArthur is very conservative

(Pastor John MacArthur believes that drunkenness is a terrible sin.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A taxi driver from Shanghai was sent to jail for spreading rumors. He was sentenced to five days behind bars. He said that Chinese diplomats in India were being recalled by the powers-that-be due to tensions between the two nations. A blogger picked up his story and pasted it on his website. Free speech isn't a priority in the PRC.

A man from a moving company visited our apartment. He brought a ton of cardboard boxes with him, and filled them with our clothes and household items. I felt sorry for the guy. He had to drag ten heavy cartons down four flights of stairs. Our building doesn't have an elevator. We're bringing that crap to Shanghai. My wife never throws anything away. She's a hoarder.

Miz Perfect had to drive all over town to prepare for the move. She took Rice-Boy Larry with her. I was left to my own devices. I watched several YouTube videos by a pastor named John MacArthur. I found his sermons compelling. He told me that I'm probably going to hell. I've been living the life of a drunkard--which is quite sinful. According to Paul, drunkards will never inherent the Kingdom of Heaven. Consequently, I've decided to climb on the wagon. It's time to give sober living a try. After all, the last place I want to end up is hell. Who needs that stress?

Miz Perfect came home at 5 p.m. I drove the Santa Fe to Daejeon. That's where my mother-in-law lives. We stopped by a roadside cafe to eat. I had Dunkin Donuts while my wife enjoyed a big bowl of ass soup. The smell was enough to gag a maggot. I hope that ass soup is banned in China.

I call my mother-in-law The Queen Elephant. She's in charge of everything. The entire family dances to her tune. We got to her place at 10 p.m.

Miz Perfect put a hundred dollars in my wallet.

She said, "Use dis money to buy da food for Rarry. My sista and I do many thing tomollow. You will be arone until Fliday night."

I said, "Is a hundred enough?"

She became angry. "Who spend a hundled dolla in one day? Are you clazy?"

I said, "Korea's expensive. I will have to cook at home."

She said, "You shut da mouth."

I went into a separate room and began watching season two of Vikings. The Queen Elephant came in later and slipped me another fifty bucks. Good for her. After that, I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The People Versus O.J. Simpson

(O.J. Simpson got away with murder.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A 17-year-old kid from Shanghai died in a river. He was learning to swim but suddenly dropped under the water. His parents were watching him from a nearby boat. They diligently searched for his body but to no avail. They finally had to call the powers-that-be who managed to find the boy's corpse.

I nearly drowned in a lake when I was 14-years-old. None of my friends could save me. I was in such a panic that I kept dragging them down into the deepness. I was eventually saved by an Eagle Scout. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be writing this piece of crap blog. God bless the Boy Scouts. I owe the organization my life.

I had bacon and rice cake for breakfast. The meal was delicious. I washed the vittles down with several glasses of bottled water. Water is the only liquid on the planet which truly quenches my thirst. Therefore, I drink more H2O than the average shrub.

I called Ken the Atheist using FaceTime.

I said, "How are things in America?"

He said, "Good."

I said, "Do you have anything new to tell me."

He said, "No."

I said, "OK. I'll call you tomorrow."

I speak with my eldest son every day. We usually never have a damn thing to say to each other. But that's all right. It's just great to hear his voice. He plans on becoming a registered nurse when he gets older.

I watched a show called American Crime Story. It's focus is the trial of O.J. Simpson. Back in the day, Mr. Simpson was accused of slaughtering his estranged wife Nicole Simpson and a waiter named Ron Goldman.

I like the program because it allows me to marvel at how stupid well-educated people can be. For instance, the lead attorney Marcia Clark and the district attorney Mr. Garcetti actually thought they could get a guilty verdict if they moved the trial to downtown Los Angeles. They sealed their fate the moment they made that moronic decision. Oh well. It's water under the bridge.

I viewed several episodes of Vikings. Ragnar is angry because his wife had a miscarriage. In order to improve his luck, he tries to convince Athelstan to sacrifice himself to Odin. The priest wisely refuses and another poor sucker is sacrificed in his place.

I prayed to God. Then I slept on the living room floor next to the air conditioner. I felt like I was in heaven.

Monday, August 7, 2017

The Nazi salute is illegal in Germany

(Two Chinese men were arrested for giving the Nazi salute in Berlin.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Two Chinese men traveled to Berlin for a vacation. They gave the Nazi salute in public just for fun. They were promptly arrested by the powers-that-be and carted off to jail. The men were released after paying 500 Euros each to the German authorities. Free speech doesn't exist in Europe. But it doesn't exist in China, either. So why quibble?

We left our hotel and drove to McDonald's. I had a Big Mac and two large orders of French fries. I also consumed two apple pies. The meal was delicious. I'm a huge fan of junk food. All that starch sends me straight to the moon. I washed the vittles down with a huge glass of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm a broke dead dick, so I usually drink the generic stuff. But sometimes a man has to splurge.

Miz Perfect said, "Ret's go to Mokpo."

I said, "Why the heck should we drive to Mokpo? That's a million miles from our humble abode."

She said, "It famous for da octopus."

I said, "I'm a big fat man from America. What the fruit am I gonna to with an octopus?"

"Octopus dericious. Everlybody think dericious. You ruv da octopus."

"I don't love octopus. I only eat it when I'm fall-down drunk."

I walked up the stairs to urinate. Then I bought another apple pie for the road. 

When I move to China, I shall live an Old Testament lifestyle. I'll go to work daily while my wife remains at the tent and cooks the meat. And that's cool with me. I'm sick and tired of visiting places. Sight-seeing wears me out.

We got home at 7 p.m. and walked to the beach. We stopped at a second-story restaurant for dinner. I had sweet and sour pork, and spicy rice cake. The meal was fantastic. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju.

Rice-Boy Larry asked my opinion about the rights of the LGBT community.

I said, "You're nine-years-old. Where do you get this crap?"

"The internet."

I said, "I don't give a flying fruit one way or the other. It's their life. They're free to do as they please."

"Donald Trump hates them"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Well, good for him."

We got back to the apartment at 10 p.m. I took a shower and prayed to God. Then I went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Hell Beach on Goeje Island

(I recently visited Goeje Island.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A Korean restaurant in Shanghai is under investigation for selling pork with parasites. Customers noticed the bugs as they ate their meals. The powers-that-be have promised to solve the problem as quickly as possible. Luckily, there are no reports of food poisoning associated with the establishment.

We drove from Masan to Geoje Island in our Hyundai Santa Fe. I've had my SUV for nine years. It's never given me a bit of trouble in all that time. I'm gifting it to my father-in-law when I move to China. Hopefully, I won't have to drive in Asia ever again. These people are crazy.

We found a hotel room across from a beach that was comprised of rocks rather than sand. The owner charged us $100 to spend the night. There was also a seafood restaurant in the same building. We ate grilled scallops and clams. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju. The meal was very expensive. South Korea isn't a cheap country.

We walked to a convenience store and purchased beer. Then we descended a concrete stairwell which led to the pebbled beach. The rocks were of all different shapes and sizes. I nearly broke my legs getting to the ocean.

I said, "One hundred dollars a night for this crap? Only in Korea! I can't even walk on this mother-fruiting beach."

Miz Perfect said, "You watch da rangrage. Da beach OK. It you. You dwunk."

I said, "What's wrong with my language? It's a fruiting rip-off."

But Rice-Boy Larry didn't mind the stones. He navigated them like an expert mountain climber. Soon, he was hip-deep in the sea.

"It feels great, Dad."

"I'll be right there."

I sat down next to the shoreline. It must have been high tide because the strong waves kept knocking my head under the water. I was battered and bruised by Mother Nature for nearly two hours. Finally, the sun went down.

We ate noodles for dinner at a convenience store. I also bought three Roman Candles. You're supposed to hold the tube fuse-side up with this type of firework. However, I did it the opposite way and scared the crap out of several innocent bystanders. One young girl even cried.

I quickly corrected my mistake, but it was too late. My wife's face was twisted with anger.

"You da stoopid man."

"Oh, shut up, you fruiting scold."

I returned to the hotel and went to bed. I dreamt that a female sergeant in the United States Army kicked me in the leg. I woke up with a terrible cramp in my calf. I massaged my aching muscles for several minutes. Then I prayed to God and drifted off back to sleep.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Eating crab in Uljin

(Seafood is expensive in Korea.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Over 200 Chinese citizens were arrested in Cambodia because of an online nudity scandal. These fraudsters somehow convinced na├»ve Cambodians to send them naked photos. Then they threatened to post the pictures on the internet unless the victims gave them money. The Chinese government has been cracking down on overseas criminals. Maybe I'm a dirty fascist, but I stand with the PRC on this issue. Those scammers should spend time behind bars.

I drove with Miz Perfect to a travel agency. We got the receipt for our plane trip to Shanghai. My new employer is covering our moving expenses, so we need to document everything.

Miz Perfect said, "Ret's dlive to Yeongdeok to eat da clab."

I said, "Yeongdeok? That's two hours away."

"It not two hour. It onry one hour."

I've been married for eighteen years, and sometimes it's just best to nod and smile. Besides, it's not like I had anything better to do.

Two hours later, we arrived in Yeongdeok. We parked our car and started searching for restaurants. All the establishments charged 60 dollars per crab. The price for seafood in South Korea is simply outrageous.

I said, "I'm not paying that kind of money for dinner. The bill will come to over $300. Let's save our cash, and we'll hit a nice restaurant in Shanghai."

Miz Perfect started searching for buffets on her smartphone. She found an all-you-can-eat crab eatery in a town called Uljin. The price was $28 per person and $10 for children. It was forty minutes away.

I bought two big cans of Guinness at a convenience store. I sucked them down during the ride."

My wife said, "Why you dwink all da time?"

I said, "I don't drink all the time. I only drink when we go out."

"Why?"

"Alcohol makes life more tolerable."

The restaurant was a hole-in-the-wall on the side of the road. But it lived up to its billing. I stuffed my face with steamed crab for two straight hours. I washed the vittles down with soju.

Rice-Boy Larry said, "Dad, you eat like white trash."

I said, "That's not very nice. You just slammed me with a racist slur."

He said, "I can't be racist. Only white folks are racist. You people have all the power."

"I stand corrected."

We didn't get home till 10 p.m. I watched Game of Thrones. After that, I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Jonny Bones Jones

(Jonny Bones is my idol.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese military is opening a base in Djibouti. The French and Japanese also have bases in this poor African nation. China is trying to become an international player. I truly hope that they transform themselves into the new global powerhouse. That way, the United States will be able to save a few bucks and get back into the business of boosting the American middle class.

I ate breakfast at my mother-in-law's house. She lives in Daejeon. I had bacon and eggs. The food was great. I thought about my idol Jon Bones Jones. I think a little too much about Jonny Bones. It's starting to worry me. Jon's the greatest fighter on the planet. He recently knocked out Olympic wrestler Daniel Cormier with a savage kick to the head. He even made Big Dan cry. If I could fight like Jon, I would beat the crap out of everybody on the planet.

I called my mother on FaceTime. Ken the Atheist arrived safely at her house. He couldn't talk because he was sleeping. School starts on the 10th of August. He's taking a lot of hard classes. Algebra II. AP European history. Honors biology. Anatomy. The whole nine yards. Ken's a science and math guy. He doesn't read novels or poetry. And he doesn't give a flying screw about art. But that's OK. To each their own.

We drove back to Ulsan. Miz Perfect listened to her song list full blast on the car stereo. The volume was so loud that it nearly damaged my ears. I hate her musical taste. But I didn't complain. I just smiled and nodded like the village idiot. I'm wonderful that way. The glass is always half-full at my humble abode.

We went to a restaurant called Orca. It specializes in JinDeok. Translation? Spicy chicken and potatoes served on a bed of glass noodles. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju. Everything in Korea is overpriced. The meal cost me nearly 50 dollars, and I was still hungry.

We walked to McDonald's. I had a Big Mac and a large order of French fries. I also consumed two apple pies. My gluttony knows no bounds.

I got back to the apartment at 10 p.m. I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

International Family

(I'd rather be a Vulcan.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Seven defendants from Shanghai were given stiff prison sentences for selling fake baby food. One of the men produced cans with the word Similac printed on the labels. The others filled the cans with a powder of their own making. These scoundrels earned a ton of cash selling this garbage. Luckily nobody died.

We drove to Incheon Airport. Ken the Atheist was very excited about returning to America.

He said, "I can't wait to leave this third world crap-hole and get back to a real country."

I said, "You know you're a Korean citizen, right?"

"I'm not Korean. I'm American."

Rice-Boy Larry aped his brother. "Korea sucks. I wish I was going to the U.S."

I said, "You're off to Shanghai in a few weeks."

Larry said, "Shanghai probably sucks, too."

Being an international family is a real pain in the ass. For instance, the vast majority of mixed-race children don't want to stay in Asia. They tend to hate Asia because this is a continent where the kids are often tortured by their overzealous mothers. Study, study, study is the Korean, Japanese, and Chinese battle cry. The majority of high school students only average four hours of sleep per night. Suicide rates are sky high.

I said, "Ken can come visit us in China next summer."

Ken said, "I'll be seventeen-years-old, Dad. I plan to get a job during the vacation. I need to make money."

I said, "Why don't you work on the weekends."

He said, "I want to rest."

The drive was quite arduous. It took five hours. My heart was slowly breaking, but Ken was all smiles. We parked and wheeled his luggage into the terminal. Incheon Airport is beautiful. It's first-class all the way.

(Incheon Airport is marvelous.)

We ate lunch at a restaurant called VIPS Express. I had hot-wings and French fries. The food was great. I washed the vittles down with a can of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm a broke dead dick, so I usually drink the generic stuff. But sometimes a man has to splurge.

Then the moment of truth came. Ken got his boarding pass, and he left his family with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. I stood there crying like a moron in full view of the public.

What's the point of this story? It's simple, really. Love sucks. Sometimes, I'd rather be a Vulcan.